Pogledaj cijelu verziju : By the Holy decree of the God Emperor...

07-11-2009, 18:31
1.)Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy Multi-Meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's Chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a “drag”.
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at Nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
23. Virus bombs are not fun in a box.
24. Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny does not count as an "enemy casualty".
25. Thou shalt not clog the Lascannon tubes "just to see what happens".
26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a Dreadnought.
27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the Chaplain’s hand whilst wearing a Power Fist.
28. Putting sand inside the Terminators’ Armour is not "funny".
29. Thou shalt not refer to the Standard of Fortitude as a "walking stick"
30. Thou shalt not refer to the Bolt Pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter.
31. The Earthshaker Cannon is not a "hat stand" nor is the Sentinel a "standard lamp".
32. Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with Imperial Guard Chimeras.
33. Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the Chaplain’s armour.
34. Thou shalt not compliment the Dark Eldar by calling them "kinky"
35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver
36. Thou shalt not replace the holy unguents for the Machine Spirit with grain alcohol
37. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karaoke
38. Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the Commander’s Power Armour with laughing gas
39. Thou shalt not train a Hormogaunt to be a watchdog
40. Thou shalt not take "Old One Eye" out of context..."He's in my Artificer Armour he..he..duh!"
41. Thou shalt not call Dark Angels "hippie alter boys"
42. Thou shalt not taunt an Eldar "gee didn't these used to shoot further?"
43. Thou shalt not refer to the Golden Throne as "the nicest commode in the galaxy"
44. Thou shalt not attempt to offer a Carnifex a breath mint.
45. Thou shalt not throw a Warp Beast a dog biscuit.
46. Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a Wych/ Sisters battle.
47. Thou shalt not ask a Warlock what he wears under his robe.
48. Thou shalt not tease an Inquisitor with "look Sir-Heretics!"
49. Thou shalt not play whack-a-mole with those little Jawa-wannabe Dark Angel thingies (tangent).
50.Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a Plasma Gun.
51. Thou shalt not take the Rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out His Most Holy acquisitions forms.
52. Thou shalt not ask the Librarian if he has records concerning Uranus.
53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a "novelty toaster"
54. Thou shalt not ask the Apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue.
55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a Terminators' Armour during battle.
56. Thou shalt not point and laugh saying 'look somebody missed the toilet when battling Snotlings.
57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the Emperor (unless properly addressed to do so)
58. Eldar helmets may not be use as hole-punches.
59. Thou shalt not refer to the daily rituals as "psychological warfare" nor shalt thou refer to the Index Astartes as "the book of grudges"
60. Thou shalt not say, "will someone please tell the Emperor to crap or get off the Throne"
61. Thou shalt not petition His Most Holy administration to make "Inquisition" an Olympic sport.
62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your Primarch" debate.
63. Thou shalt not use heavy breathing and "I am your father" as a battle cry when wielding a Power Sword and entering an assault
64. Thou shalt not affect a Transylvanian accent around the Blood Angels.
65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the Space Wolves.
66. Duct-taping a Flamer to your Boltgun does not count as a Combi-weapon, and painting it pretty won't make it "Master Crafted"
67. Thou shalt not punt Grots for pleasure.
68. Thou shalt not shout "Thongs for the Thong God!" in front of the Dark Eldar lest thou wish to learn the true meaning of pain.
69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the Dark Eldar.
70. Thou shalt not write theatre criticism and charge His Most Holy treasury to mail it to the Harlequin.
71. Power armour never makes a Sister look fat.
72. Thou shalt not laugh maniacally when flaming the non-believers.
73. Thou shalt not use Thunder Hammers to play croquet.
74. Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a C’tan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale.
75. Though shalt not refer to thine brethren, whom the Emperor has dictated be armed with an incendiary weapon, as a "Flamer" constantly. For this has been proven to lower morale and cause strife within His Most Holy showering facilities.
76. Thou shalt not affect an Austrian accent around the Necrons.
77. Thou shalt not ask Rough Riders if you can pet their ponies.
78. Thou shalt not stray from the Adeptus Mechanicus' directive towards ornamentation of Rhinos; specifically no aluminium sport rims, neon, extraneous exhaust pipes, or fuzzy dice.
79. Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counter-strike'.
80. Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the Land Speeder joyriding.
81. Remember; shining Lasguns in the Guards’ eyes is WRONG.
82. Thou shall not pretend to have been possessed by a Daemon.
83. Thou shall not call the sacred Plasma gunners of the Imperial Guard 'fizz busters'.
84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the Chapter Master's equipment.
85. Thou shall not use supported War Hounds to 'play ball' with Imperial Guard Sentinels.
86. It is NOT cool to feed Snotlings copious amounts of narcotics!
87. It is not "funny" to dress up as a Bloodletter and jump out in front of the Chapter Master.
88. Replacing a Brother's ammunition with blanks is not "funny"
89. Wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons.
90. Playing naughty movies in your Power Armour’s Autosensors is not sanctioned by the Adeptus Astartes.
91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities.
92. Thou shalt not taunt our revered Dreadnought brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?"
93. Thou shalt not commandeer Drop Pods to go for pizza.
94. Thou shalt not refer to the Emperor’s Champion as "that brown-noser"
95. Nuking from orbit is not doctrinally feasible for removal of annoying insects-unless they be Tyranids.
96. Thou shalt not tickle the Fallen to press for confession and redemption.
97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking, "Can you hear me now", repetitively in an attempt to drive him insane.
98. Thou shalt not refer to the Wulfen as "damn dirty apes".
99. Thou shalt not use Whirlwinds to put on fireworks displays.
100. Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret"
101. Thou shalt not do Scooby Doo impersonations when speaking to the Space Wolves.
102. Thou shalt not tell the Salamanders "sorry about the Multi-Melta thing"
103. Thou shall not ask directions from the Wulfen.
104. Thou shall not ask Berserkers for an axe.
105. Thou shalt not do doughnuts in a Rhino, unless thou wishes to clean the passenger's vomit from the floor, as doughnuts make passengers dizzy
106. Thou shalt not write "Biggest Bitch on the Battlefield" on the side of thy Land Raider, even if it is true.
107. Thou shalt not take the Rhino out on Saturdays to 'impress the girls'.
108. Tyranids are not cute.
109. Though shalt not use Lasguns as laser sights for thy Bolters
110. Just because you’re fighting Necrons it doesn’t mean your standard equipment is a Skaven and a tin opener.
111. Thou shalt not throw snowballs at Salamander Space Marines whilst yelling, "THINK FAST!"
112. Thou shalt not ask Ork prisoners "why the red ones go faster"
113. Thou shalt not attempt to drown out Noise Marines with ye old rave music
114. Never ask a Dreadnought "how old are you?"
115. Thou shalt not use the Golden Throne as a microwave
116. Thou shalt not wear a dress in the presence of the Dark Angels
117. Thou shalt not wear fake fangs in the presence of the Space Wolves
118. Thou shalt not ask a Space Wolf if he wants a biscuit
119. Thou shalt not eat another Marine’s paste
120. Thou shalt not trip a Dark Angel in front of an Interrogator-Chaplain
121. Thou shalt not trip an Interrogator-Chaplain
122. Thou shalt not fill Demolisher shells with lots of flowers.
123. Scouts are not 'target practice'.
124. Thou shalt not replace the Chapter Master's Power Sword with a plastic sword.
125. It is not funny to put an 'Eat me' sign on the Librarian's back prior to a Tyranid attack.
126. Thou shalt NOT refer to the Dreadnought as 'Granddad', nor shalt thou hang a, 'I told you I was sick' sign from it.
127. Thou shalt not play 'peek-a-boo' with the Machine Spirit.
128. Thou shalt not unscrew your Battle Brethren’s leg plates.
129. It is not funny to play ring toss with Orks tusks.
130. When faced by the Inquisition, don’t laugh.
131. Necrons are not cans
132. Thou shalt not eat prunes before a battle
133. Thou shalt not refer to the company Tech-Marine as "Scotty."
134. Thou shalt not challenge the Terminator Company to a game of "Twister."
135. Thou shalt not refer to Ripper Swarms as... "Cute."
136. Thou shalt not refer to Catachan Jungle Fighters as "tree hugging hippies"
137. Thou shalt not suggest the Eldar "live long and prosper."
138. Thou shalt not tell a Space Wolf it smells as if something crawled up and died in their mouth.
139. Thou shalt not replace the Space Wolves store of Tuna with cans of Puppy Chow.
140. Thou shalt not use Imperial Guardsmen as sticks while playing fetch with a Hive Tyrant.
141. Thou shall not use Flame Falcons to toast thy marsh mellows
142. Thou shall not ask an Inquisitor's Psyber-Eagle "does Polly wanna cracker?"
143. Thou shall not ask the Lametors "are ya feeling lucky punk, well are ya?"
144. Dating the Veteran Sergeant is the exclusive privilege of the Heavy Weapon trooper
145. Thou shalt not ask the Eldar females if they are interested in a hand-portable 'Vibro Cannon'...
146. Thou shalt not strut around Imperial Guardsmen bragging about how 'well-equipped' you are.
147. Thou shalt not ask the Thousand Sons if they are that slow on purpose.
148. Thou shalt not taunt the Imperial Guard with threats of utilizing a Lascannon upon their posteriors in an unnatural fashion.
149. Thou shalt NEVER, under any circumstances, interrupt a Navigator's concentration during warp travel to ask him if you "are there yet."
150. Thou shalt not challenge Karandras the Shadow hunter to an arm-wrestling match
151. Thou shalt not refer to Eldar Swooping Hawk grenades as "bird droppings," nor shalt thou taunt them by using a mortar to pet them with birdseed.
152. Thou shalt not use the Emperor's Champion Iron Halo to play horseshoes in thy free time.
153. Thou shalt not use the Chapter Standard to dry thy undergarments upon
154. Thou shalt NEVER take the Steve Irwin approach to Tyranids; if they do not respond to external stimuli, do not attempt to poke it with a stick.
155. Thou shalt not consider it "funny" to replace the smoke canisters in your Chapter's Land Raider's Smoke Launchers with narcotic substances
156. He who takes advantage of the Emperor's paralysis by painting his fingernails will be summarily executed
157. Shoulder Pads are not to be removed for use as ice-cream scoops.
158. Thou shalt not replace our Honoured Brother Terminator Captain's Storm Bolter with a Vulcan Mega Bolter, nor shalt thou feign surprise at his inability to lift it.
159. Thou shalt not distract our Librarian whilst he attempts to cast Smite; else thou shalt be forced to clean the inside of his helmet.
160. Thou shalt not replace a Thunderhawk's firebase supplies with bouncy castles.
161. Thou shalt not burn our Captain's robe on a cold night.
162. Thou shalt not replace the Apothecary's Reductor with a syringe.
163. Undoing the straps between a Brother and his jump-pack is not funny.
164. Thou shalt not utilize the Tech-Marine's Signum for engaging in long and sexy chitchat with Battle Sisters.
165. Thou shalt not replace the Grimoire of True Names with "Daemon Hunting for Dummies"
166. Thou shalt not put thine Emperor gifted gene seed into the beverage of your fellow Battle Brothers.
167. Thou shalt not duct tape over the emergency venting on the most holy Plasma Pistol of the Chapter Master
168. Thou shalt not make "Your Mum" jokes in the presence of the Adeptus Soritas
169. Though shalt not unscrew the bolts on thine Brothers' greaves in order to "pants" him.
170. Thou shalt not use thine holy Meltagun as an arc welder.
171. Thou shall not play pin the tail on the Dreadnought
172. Thou shalt never say, "You can’t handle the Truth!" to a Dark Angel.
173. Thou shall not use bug spray on Tyranids (it won't work only distracts)
174. Thou shall not name a Salamander Dreadnought "the Hulk"
176. Never mix up Khorne marines with Blood Angels
177. Do not play golf with Mortarion (he uses Nurglings to move the ball)
178. Never play American football with a Bloodthirster
179. Thou shalt never throw a stick at Space Wolves and command them to fetch.
180. Thou shalt not challenge Guardsmen to arm wrestling whilst thou is wearing a Power Fist
181. Thou shalt not rent advertising space on thin banners
182. Thou shalt not hurt Cypher
183. Thou shalt not question Commandment 182
184. Thou shalt not be turned on by anything related to Slaanesh
185. Thou shalt not refer to Daemonettes as 'booby daemons'
186. Thou shalt not glue thy Land Raider assault doors shut
187. Thou shalt not mock exalted members of thy Chapter for 'not having the enemy’s permission to fight'
188. If thou is worth 300 points thou must kill 300 pts before being allowed to die.
189. Thou shalt use unleaded gas only for thy Land Raider
190. Thou shalt not use Servo Skulls as baseballs
191. Thou shalt not laugh at thy Brethren whom are from 1st or 2nd edition
192. Thou shalt not compare Commissars to Nazis
193. By order of the Inquisition: There is no such thing as the Inquisition, questioning this will have thou deemed heretic by the Inquisition
194. Thou shalt not complain to thy Force Commanders in coming months when thou cannot attack the enemy immediately following exiting Rhinos
195. If thou are members of the Black Templar then thou must not whine that the Emperor's Champion has the your only Iron Halo
196. Thou shalt not install hydraulics on thy Rhino
197. Thou shall not question the decoration of the Chapter fortress: if skulls with wings are good enough for Him on Terra they are good enough for you.
198. Thou shall not strap lawn furniture to jump packs in an attempt to recreate first ed. Land Speeders.
199. Thou shall not complain about no longer having Jet Bikes.
200. Thou shall not confuse Guardsmen by shouting "OMG! Zerg Rush!".
201. Thou shall not point out there is no 175 commandment
202. Thou shall not give members of thy Biker squad Thunder Hammers and Grots so thy may play polo
203. Thou shalt never use Lasguns as flashlights during a night fight
204. Thou shalt not take the emperor's teeth in vain
205. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head
206. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on you bike.
207. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective in the morning.
208. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."
209. Thou shalt not check to see if your Bolt Pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!
210. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle Monasteries.
211. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.
212. Thou shalt not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.
213. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.
214. Thou shalt not use thine Chainsword as a backscratcher.
215. Thou shalt not use thine Bolt Pistol as a q-tip.
216. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thine com-speakers.
217. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-five”.
218. Thou shalt not laugh at how small Imperial Guardsmen are.
219. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.
220. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters to the Astropaths.
221. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.
222. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.
223. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.
224. Thou shalt guard thy Bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.
225. Thou shalt not sniff Warp fumes.
226. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the ‘Nids
227. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.
228. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor.
229. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.
230. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.
231. Terminators and glue do not mix.
232. Thou shalt not spray paint thy armour to make it look cool.
234. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with Lasguns. (The guard needs them)
235. Thou shalt not juggle Power Weapons.
236. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's Monastery.
237. Grenades are not water balloons.
238. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.
239. Thou shalt not use water guns against Necron.
240. Thou shalt not piss on the Iron Halo.
241. Daemons are not your friends.
242. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
243. Barney is a heretic.
244. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.
245. Barney is not a Tyranid
246. Digimon are not in the 40K universe.
247. Digimon are not affiliated with the Necron.
248. Pokemon are not Digimon!
249. Pokemon are not fun to play with.
250. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies, Orks, Gretchins or Commissars.
251. Thou shalt not play “Truth or Dare” with Sisters.
252. Thou shalt not “Spin the Bottle” with Sisters.
253. Thou shalt not play “Hangman” with the Inquisitor or Berserker.
254. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.
255. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.
256. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.
257. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!
258. Spiking the beer is forbidden.
259. Shotguns are not practice guns.
260. Lasguns don’t make cool disco lights for your party.
261. Pixie wings are not jump packs.
262. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.
263. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.
264. Darth Vader isn’t the son of Abaddon.
265. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the Sisters.
266. “It makes a funny noise” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
267. “He started it” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
268. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.
269. Thou shalt not sexually harass the Servitors even if they won’t notice.
270. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.
271. Thou's name is not GiX.
272. Thou shalt not smoke, inhale or inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.
273. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.
274. Thou shalt not practise vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.
275. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full moon out tonight!)
276. You shalt not comment on being a better shot then the Inquisitor.
277. The Chaplain is not too preachy.
278. Gambling for Grots is not allowed.
279. Your sergeant is not a pugy bastard.
280. You shalt not smack the Sister’s butt and then wink at her.
281. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.
282. Thou shalt not use a Flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.
283. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid warzone.
284. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun when not in battle!
285. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company Marine can take (physical or psychical)!
286. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.
289. Rico’s Roughnecks are not real.
290. Thou shalt not over-charge thy bike!
291. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!
292. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!
293. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!
294. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak him about Orks).
295. Thou shalt not release Moriar from his restrainment or tap in his vital liquids!
296. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!
297. Thou shalt obey these 627 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)
298. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your diner"!
299. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get “KFC” or “Macca’s”.
300. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinius".
301. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thou mighty Primarch Sanguinous, the Chaplain paint these on your armour!
302. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.
302. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.
303. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thy armour!
304. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.
305. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.
306. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!
307. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.
308. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from Battle Brothers....they are allowed some fun too!
309. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranids’ mighty One-Eyed monster ( arr pirate matey).
310. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.
311. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.
312. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.
313. Thou shalt not chase thy Grot with a fork.
314. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard “Sega Lock-Ons”.
315. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites “pigs” or “bacons”.
316. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.
317. Inquisitors are not “Nigel no friends”
318. Thou shalt not use thy laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.
319. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.
320. Thou shalt not play “frisbee” with a Tau Shield Drone.
321. Remember a Primarch is for life not just for Christmas.
322. Thou shalt not eat toast in your Power Armour (I’m not going to vacume the crumbs out of the toes again).
323. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power Powerarmour (Even if you have been to Cornwall).
324. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.
325. Thou shalt not put bananas in the Commander's Rhino's exhaust pipes.
326. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)
327. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.
328. Thou shalt not offer to clean the Sister's armour whilst they change.
329. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.
330. Thou shalt not remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.
331. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.
332. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!
333. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!
334. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.
335. Thou shalt not swap your Battle Brothers gun with a water pistol.
336. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guardsmen.
337. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour is too small.
338. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.
339. “No” means “No”.
340. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.
341. Thou shalt not refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.
342. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.
343. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.
342. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchins.
343. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.
344. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles or armour.
345. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.
346. Thou shalt not yell “catfight!” when Sisters argue.
347. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a Demolisher tank.
348. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau.
349. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".
350. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.
351. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.
352. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing Necrons.
353. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.
354. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else thou will have to join the Sisters.
355. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly colored Tyranid.
356. Thou shalt leave the Plasma Gun well and truly alone.
357. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work .
358. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep.
359. Thou shalt not load the dice.
360. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.
361. Thou shalt not fire thy Bolter at enemies you can't really see except a leg sticking out of a building.
362. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.
363. Thou shalt not make up rules.
364. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... argh anyone got a codex?
365. Thou shalt not laugh at the Cultist.
366. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when Greater Daemon of Tzeentch is around.
367. Thou shalt not use Penicillin tipped bolts in your Boltgun against Nurglings.
368. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.
369. Thou shalt beware of possessed 2 litre coke bottles.
370. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.
371. Thou shalt not aim at thy Commanders back.
372. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.
373. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.
374. Thou shalt not binge drinks with the Imperial Guard.
375. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.
376. Thou art not unexpendable.
377. Thou shalt look before thou leap.
378. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.
379. Thou shalt not use they Bike as a battering ram.
380. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speed bumps.
381. Lord Logan is not "Wolfie".
382. Seraphims do not want to join the "Mile High Club".
383. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.
384. Ultramarine scout is not "little boy blue".
385. Never refer to the Canoness as "big momma".
386. Thou shalt not put “kick me” signs on thy Brothers backs.
387. Thou shalt not nail Nurglings to the back of the Rhino as fuzzy decorations.
388. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.
389. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.
390. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.
391. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a Plasma Grenade for a laugh.
392. Thou shalt not refer to Armoured Companies as agoraphobes.
393. Thou shalt not ask Tech-Marines to put mag wheels on your Bike.
394. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.
395. Thou shalt not sneak into the Rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking Angels wear dresses. Er... oops...
396. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the Monastery.
397. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius’ blood.
398. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say thou didn't see them.
399. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".
400. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".
401. Thou shalt not give a Sister breast implants.
402. Neither shalt thou ask whether those “guns” are real or not.
403. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats.
404. Thou shalt not overheat a Plasma Gun for a college prank.
405. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffeine.
406. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his manly bitz.
407. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.
408. Thou shalt not poop thy Power Armour.
409. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.
410. Thou shalt not over clock thine Pentium and use it as a Plasma weapon.
411. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG.
412. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.
413. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".
414. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.
415. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt descend upon the table and inflict his wraith.
416. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau Stealth Suits so that you might spy on the Sisters in their quarters.
417. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.
418. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies.
419. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with a Kroot Hound using a Guardsman.
420. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.
421. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.
422. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.
423. Thou shalt not feed the Warp Beasts.
424. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot Hounds.
425. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.
426. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".
427. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.
428. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.
429. Thou shalt not use thy Power Armour comm-link to prank call the Imperial Guard Storm Troopers.
430. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy Commanding Officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.
431. Thy Bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.
432. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".
433. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea or coffee.
434. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.
435. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", although thy might think it is.
436. When throwing thy holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one,
for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.
437. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.
438. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.
439. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".
440. Thou shalt not call Harlequins “psychedelic” or “groovy”
441. Thou shalt never show an army of Orks more than two Harlequins at once.
442. Thou shalt never laugh at the Laughing God.
443. Thou shalt never play “Hide and Seek” with Librarians or Inquisitors.
444. Thou shalt not play “tag” with Gaunts.
445. Thou shalt never tie thy Power Armour laces together.
446. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.
447. Thou shalt never criticize the “paper boys” in the Adeptus Administratum.
448. Thou shalt not sell Chapter property on E-Bay.
449. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine Battle Brothers waste disposal outlet tube.
450. Thou shalt not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.
451. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".
452. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.
453. The Lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/
Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating.
454. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your Power Armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.
455. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery whilst wearing Power Armour.
456. Thou shalt not assume that because you can take a Bolter hit in the head, the
Guardsman over there can too.
457. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.
458. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the Battle Barge.
459. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts or Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".
460. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "Plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.
461. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.
462. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.
463. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.
464. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.
465. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.
466. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.
467. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine Brethren are in the back.
468. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle
Sisters still on board!
469. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thine self off as a Battle Sister.
470. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.
471. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.
472. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with the Space Wolf Commanders “pet” Fenrisian Wolves.
473. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.
474. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of “catch”.
475. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together
476. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister “babe”.
477. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!
478. Thou shalt not steal the Tau Pulse Rifles, even if they are better than thy Bolters.
479. Thou shalt not ask the Battle Sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.
480. The Hellhound is not something you put on a leash and take for "walkies".
481. Thou shalt not arm-wrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.
482. Thou shalt not watch whilst the Battle Sisters change out of their Power Armour.
483. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull their arms off and jump up and down on them.
484. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.
485. Thou shalt not go to thy great Emperor and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".
486. Thou shalt not wrestle the Battle Sisters and try to "pin them down".
487. An Iron Halo is not a toy.
488. A tank is not a toy.
489. A Dreadnought is not a toy.
490. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long you can stay on.
491. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.
492. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.
493. Spiky Bitz are not 'cool'.
494. Khorne is a Chaos God not a food.
495. Thou shalt not use Power Claws as scissors.
496. Thou shalt not use Power Armour power points to plug in thy Gameboy.
497. Thou shalt not use Hellion skyboards to impress the Sisters.
498. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the Rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.
499. If showing a Tau how your Boltgun works thou shalt not give it to him the wrong way round.
500. A Necron is not a Meccano kit
501. Thou shalt not tell the Inquisitor "say what you want about Chaos, but those Slaanesh can party!"
502. Though shalt not blast "flight of the Valkeries" when buzzing enemies in your Land Speeder
503. Thou shalt not trade His Most Delectable rations for gourmet Eldar tofu
504. Thou shalt not offer backscratches when issued Lightning Claws
505. Yes, it’s cheating to use Jump Packs during a basketball game
506. No, you can't pose for Playgirl's "the men of the Adeptus Astartes"
507. Enforcing discipline is not sending the Neophytes to procure strong monkish ale
508. Don't call the Adeptus Mechanicus about warranty information concerning your destroyed Land Raider
509. Don't shave a Bloodthirster in its sleep, it only makes them more angry when it wake up
510. Do not deface His Most Blessed Battle Barges with the bumper sticker "We don't Brake"
511. Thou shalt not compare thy height with that of the Ratling Snipers
512. Thou Shalt not go the Way of The Navy
513. Thou Shalt Not Kick the Emperor if thy see the Kick me sign on Him.
514. Thou shall not try to prove your '1337' skills on Necrons, in the Eldar Webway, or on the Martian central cogitator mainframe
514. Thou shalt not throw a bone at a Bloodthirster or flesh hounds shouting fetch
515. Thou shalt not ask the Salamanders for a light
516. Thou shalt not get Blood Angles to go to anger management classes
517. Thou shalt not challenge White Scars to a street race.
518. Thou shall not refer to Imperial Guard as gun fodder
519. 20ft high electro-magnets should not be used around Necrons
520. Thou shall not place the Liber Chaotica in your ex-wife’s possession
521. Reid is completely useless against a Carnifex
522. Salamanders do not need to go to "how to stop burning things" classes
523. Thou shall not borrow the librarians psychic hood for the annual Guess Who Competition.
524. Thou shall not pour water on an Avatar
525. Thou shalt not attach a "For Sale: Previously owned by one careful user" to the wreck of a destroyed Dreadnought.
526. Thou shalt not feed bio-carbonate soda to the Inquisitors Psyber-Eagle
527. Thou shalt not use a Railgun as a see-saw.
528. Thou shalt not comment on Captain Tycho not having his "happy face" on.
529. Thou shalt not mention the phrase "bath time" in front of the Space Wolves.
530. Thou shalt never mention, under pain of death, the stunted race of humanoids that mysteriously disappeared from the universe for unexplained reasons.
531. Thou shalt not consider a detachment to Armageddon as a "Holiday".
532. Thou shalt not refer to Tallarn as "the big beach".
533. Thou shalt not tie an Inquisitors boot laces together and then run away giggling.
534. Thou shalt not utilise the highly sophisticated, advanced and expensive long range communications array to make prank phone calls to the local bar and ask for a "Mr I.P.
535. Thou shall not take the Emperor out walking
536. Thou shall not attempt to be friends with Tyranids
537. Thou shalt not "Borrow" the Land Raiders to race them then when they come back wrecked, blame it on Chaos
538. Thou shalt not write clean me on a Catachan Chimera
539. Thou shalt not fry ants with the Meltagun
540. Thou shalt not fill the back of the Missile Launcher with promethium to "see what happens"
541. Thou shalt not paint "beware of dog" on the Wolf Lord's armour
542. Thou shalt not play pin the tail on the donkey with the Rough Rider’s horses
543. Thou shalt not date Deamonettes or other followers of Slaanesh, no matter how tempting the concept may be.
544. Thou shall not blame the Chapel heating for falling asleep during prayer
545. Thou shall not paint 2 blue stripes down the middle of a Rhino and call it a 'Viper' variant
546. Tau are not 'noobs'
547. Thou shalt not refer to Assault Marines as 'tooled up pretty boys'
548. The Ultramarines do have a sense of humour
549. Thou shall not use the Land Raider for off road races
550. Thou shalt not give manicures to Lightning Claws
551. Thou shalt not procure Noise Marine’s weapons for thine garage band
552. Thou shalt not comment on the temperature around thine Salamanders Brethren
552. Thou shalt be punished for speaking the blasphemous "argh matey" around thine Chapter Master with the bionic leg
553. Thou shalt not offer to "pump you up" to Imperial Guardsmen
554. Thou shalt decline all invitations to party with Slannesh
555. Thou shalt not salvage Spore Mines for whoopee-cushions
556. Thou shalt not drag race thine abdominous opponents for bragging rights
557. Thou shalt not ask "Ever wonder if the machine god is a C'Tan?" or thine shalt be branded Heretic and purged.
558. "Pucker up homos!" is not an Adeptus Astartes approved battlecry
559. Thou shalt not suggest a Banshee take voice lessons.
560. Thou shalt not attempt to procure "the good stuff" from thine Apothecary
561. Thou shalt not suggest thine Chapter Master is "so old his farts bow dust"
562. Thou shalt not resort to nipple crippling when losing a fight girded with a Power Fist
563. An Honour badge was never granted for basket weaving or surfing, to suggest so in sacrilegious and thou shalt report to the Chaplain for suitable penance.
564. Thou shalt not replace thy Veteran Sergeants Bolt Pistol ammo for a flag with "bang" upon it.
565. Thou shalt not use Power Swords for letter openers.
566. Thou shalt not challenge Eldar to a bike race.
567. Thou shalt not place thy holy banana into a Ravenwing Bike exhaust.
568. Thou shalt not use Tyranid rending claws as tooth picks
569. Thou shalt not use thy Plasma Cannons power pack for Christmas lights.
570. Thou shalt not use Lightning Claws as back scratchers.
571. Thou shalt not use thy Techpriest tools to unblock thy holy toilet.
572. Thou shalt not use thy Emperors throne for personal use.
573. Thou shalt not use the Techmarine's Servo Arm to serve drinks.
574. Thou shalt not replace the Chaplain's Bike with a pedal-tricycle.
575. Thou shalt not replace the Chaplain's Holy Relic with a cuddly toy.
576. Thou shalt not use Chain Fists to clip thy toenails.
577. The fact that Razorbacks have spiked rams at the front does not entitle you to use them as bumper cars.
578. Thou shalt not attempt to fill Smoke Launchers with Silly String.
579. Thou shalt not pester Dreadnoughts with "So what's it like to die then?”
580. Thou shalt not sing "Who Let The Dogs Out" when visiting the Fang
581. Thou shalt not offer the Emperor any kind of anti-wrinkle products
582. Thou shalt not do loops while flying a Battle Barge.
583. No, a Jump Pack is NOT a hairdryer.
584. Thou shalt not refer to Marneus Calgar as 'Papa Smurf'
585. Thou shalt not call Blood Angels 'pretty boys'
586. Thou shalt not say 'dead man walking' every time thou see a Dreadnought
587. Kroot hounds DO NOT make good Company mascots
588. Space Wolf bites are actually worse than their bark
589. Thou shalt not use Rhino dozer blades to help build thy Brother in-laws patio
590. Remember Krootox are to be used as Christmas presents
591. Thou shalt not make breathing noises and say 'we meet at last Obi-Wan' when handling Power Weapons
592. Remember a 2+ armour save does not make you a Primarch
593. Thou shalt not refer to Chaplain Lemartes as 'ticker-tape man'
594. Thou shalt not say to an Inquisitor 'hey, i hear they’re bringing out the Malus
Codicium in paperback'
595. Thou shalt not whistle 'close encounters of the 3rd kind' every time you see a Tau
596. Thou shalt not send Legion of the Damned Brethren trick or treating
597. Thou shalt not "drag" with the Chapters Thunderhawks
598. Thou shalt not ask an Ork for some "'shrooms"
599. When thou hast taken many casualties, thou shalt 'flee' towards the guns of thy enemy hoping that their next volley may be more accurate
600. Thou shalt not refer to the Grey Knights as 'Catholic fundamentalists'.
601. Regardless of any laws regarding 'Daemon season', thou shalt not refer to the Grey Knights as 'poachers'.
602. Thou shalt not make comparisons between Night Haunter and Batman.
603. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Inqui- *Bolter fire*
604. Thou shall not refer to the Golden Throne as a royal flush nor refer to a royal flush in poker as the golden throne
605. Thou shalt not have a thumb war while wearing a Power Fist
606. Thou shalt not take dancing lessons from Slaanesh
607. Thou shalt not start a say that history is wrong and it was they Emperor who turned to Chaos
608. Thou shalt not say thy Emperor is a false God in front of an Inquisitor
609. Thou shalt not try to get they Battle Sister drunk for a little fun
610. Thou shalt not become drunk before a battle so thy accidentally shoots thy Brothers
611. Thou shalt not call Interrogator-Chaplains "Cross dressers"
612. Thou shalt not attempt to trip up a Titan.
613. Thou shalt not refer to the Deceiver as "Just a big gold court jester".
614. Thou shalt not ask Tzeentch how to pull a rabbit out of a hat.
615. Thou shalt not tell a Brother Space Marines that they can only move six inches at a time.
616. Thou shalt not ask why Eldar Wave Serpents are just Falcons with an extra gun.
617. Thou shalt not confuse the Black Legion with the Black Templars.
618. Thou shalt not refer to Slaanesh as "That freaky nymphomaniac guy"
619. Thou shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk.
620. Thou shalt not underestimate the power of a Vibro Cannon, even if it is shoved up a Slaanesh Daemon Prince where the sun don't shine.
621. Thou shalt not refer to the Ravenwing as "Speed Freeks in Power Armour."
622. Thou shalt not point and laugh at Dark Angels.
623. Thou shalt not cry "Toro!" while within earshot of a Blood Angel.
634. Thou shalt not throw sticks while in the company of Space Wolves.
625. Thou shalt not refer to the Ultramarines as "Ultrasmurfs."
626. Thou shalt not keep pet Rippers.
627. Thou shalt not ever, ever repeat the "Black and white Space Marine on the black and white bike" joke, ever.
628. Daring neophytes to sniff flamer fuel is not appropriate training.
629. Scouts are not "meat-shields with attitude."
630. When an apothecary is administering narthecium, he is not giving the injured "a hit-up".
631. Thou shalt not refer to the 1st company as "Tooled up Pretty boys".
632:Thou shalt not drop ammunition for alcohol or other substances.
633:Thou shalt not engage in "My Primarch could beat you Primarch" arguments with brother marines.
634: Thou shalt not compare weaponry size with the size of reproductive organs
635. never go up to a Daemonette and ask it if it wants to "get lucky".
636. never go up to a Plaguebearer and tell it how its "looking better".
637. Never go up to a Horror and say "hey, you look different today".
638. Never go up to a Bloodletter and... well, never go up to a Bloodletter.
639. Never go up to a Keeper of Secrets and look at it up and down and tell it with a surprised look on your face "YOUR supposed to be an avatar of the god of excess?"
640. Never go up to a Bloodthirster and... never go up to a Bloodthirster.
641. Never go up to a Great Unclean One and offer it a flu shot.
642. Never go up to a Lord of Change and look at it and ask it "YOUR supposed to be an avatar of the Lord of Magic?"
643.Thou shalt not refer to a hot drink as a "Battle sister", "Jaghati Khan" or "Imperial Standard" (Tea white nun, white one and white two respectivly).
644.Thou shalt not chant "Thirteen - nill, Thirteen - nill, Thirteen - nill" at Abbadon the Despoiler.
645.Thou shalt not ask Kharn how his mates are.
646.Thou shalt not send a "Get well soon" card to Mortarion.
647.Nor shalt thou give him a hanky.
648.Thou shalt not cheer with joy that certain Games Designers now only work on Warhammer Fanatsy.

With special thanks Delirium, may he forever walk in His immortal shadow.

07-11-2009, 18:35
649.Thou shalt not buy Firewarrior for the P.C. Ever.
650.Thou shalt never, ever share a bed with anyone in the penal legion. It dosen't mater if it might be your last night alive.
651.Thou shalt never name one of the Imperial navies vessels "Titanic", "Titanicus" or any variation on that theme.
652.Thou shalt not compare the magical prowess of a Lord of Change with the mystical powers of the magic 8 ball.
653. Thou shalt not do commandment number 652 in front of a Lord of Change, as the magical 8 ball will surely win.

07-11-2009, 18:51
Trebalo je ovakvo nešto brutalno napravitit^^

07-11-2009, 19:25
:pray: :pray: :pray: :pray:

07-11-2009, 21:01
Tako bih slatko autoru poručio "get a life" ali je toliko odlično i zabavno da mu samo poručujem "get laid"...dakako da autor nije s ovog foruma...Ima toliko kvalitetnih da se ne može imati ni top 10

07-11-2009, 21:03
Možda su "autori"^^

08-11-2009, 16:34
Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"Khorne Berserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Fix bayonets!"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
"Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

Iron Warriors at the beach:
- My sandcastle is bigger than yours!
- No it isn't!
- Yes it is, and it has lascannons here and here, and these are missile launchers!
- Well mine's got that as well, and a moat full of skulls and barbed wire!
- Your lascannons aren't placed at the right spots! What if the enemy attacked here? Or here? Or put heavy fire on this wall? You'd have to concentrate the fire on that area over by the seashell, while your terminators got into position over by that piece of seaweed. And barbed wire placed over there isn't gonna slow the enemy down! You’ve gotta put another turret on this spot here, next to the dead starfish, and have warriors standing ready over here in case of a breakthrough. And what if that crab over there assaulted this wall? I'd suggest a squad of...

How many non- marine players does it take to change a las bulb?

Both of them.

08-11-2009, 17:46
Dark Angels at the movies.

(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the
movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the
Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)
AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!
EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!
ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated!
(They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view
of seven people behind them)
ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?
AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase
ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother
EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!
AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area,
where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the
duration of this motion picture!
ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!
AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets
for local currency!
(Azrael empties his robe pockets)
AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong
monkish ale for but one of us!
EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets!
(They all empty their pockets)
ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local
currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!
EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?
AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!
ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!
AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now
to purchase strong monkish ale!
(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?
AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!
ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos
AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my
armour! Aaargh!
EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter
Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!
(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free
on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)
AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!
ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the
Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!
AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!
AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched
gullets depend on my swiftness!
ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!
AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH
(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)
EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!
ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse
their souls with righteous bolter fire!
AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!
(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row
in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)
LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...
CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark
AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One!
CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...
(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)
CYPHER- Why you little-!
(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)
CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!
(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire
around randomly, slaughtering people)
LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things
are invulnerable...
CYPHER- Raaaaaaargh!!!
(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's
AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!
CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that
protects me rolls three ones...
(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)
LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...
(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively
and loom over Luther)
LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.
LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you
die" thing...
AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!
LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry,
you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda
silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some
sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.
AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!
LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are
about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never
kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for
tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow,
you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow
you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on
and so on.
EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been
happily using for ten millennia...
ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!
LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never
wore dresses!
AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...
LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a
damn transvestite chapter!
I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch-
enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!
EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...
LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to
look at you.
ASMODAI- But Sir...
(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther
settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)
LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?
THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark
Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to
and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...
THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted
to be the Star Child too...


Guardsmen Jokes...

What's the difference between 10 dead guardsmen and a Leman Russ?

I don't have a Leman Russ in my garage...

How do you get mashed guardsman out of a bowl?

With chips...

How many guarsdmen does it take to paint a Leman Russ?

It depends on how hard you throw them...

How do you make a dead guardsman float?

With two scoops of ice cream

How many dead guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on how much metal you stuck through them.

Random WH:40K jokes...

Uncle Bob, the Space Marine

The Scholar Abbot in the Schola Progenium gave his fifth grade class an assignment: tell a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Corvius said, "My father was a farmer on Acheron VII and we had a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the coach when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the Scholar Abbot.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Jorun. Tell us your story."

"MY family where farmers too. But we raised grox' for the meat market. We had a dozen grox.eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live grox. And the moral to this story is, don't count your grox before they're hatched."

"That's a fine story Jorun," he continued. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes sir, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle, Veteran Sargent Bob. Uncle Bob was a Space Marine in the 3rd War for Armageddon and his Thunderhawk got hit. He had to crash land in hostile ork territory and all he had was a bottle of fenrisian ale, a bolter and a chainsword. He drank the fenrisian ale on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the bolter until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the chainsword till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands."

"Emperor's Throne," said the Scholar Abbot, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't piss off Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

100 things I would do if I was a Chaos Warlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

08-11-2009, 19:09
The Orks are entrenched in fortificatrions on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches.
"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks cant let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss that " They cheated boss, there was two of um!".

While interviewing an imperial guard sniper, a News reporter asked the sniper what he felt when killing the eldar with a sniper rifle.

The sniper thought for a moment and replied, "Recoil."

how many inquisitors does it take to screw in a light bulb
3 one to make it repent its sins for going out in the name of the Emperor
one to change the light bulb
and one to deny the exsistance of the light bulb

How many guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3, one to get shot for questioning the importance of the light bulb, one to piss his pants, and another to be so scared as to actually screw in the light bulb!

An Imperial Guardsman, a Space Marine, and an Inquisitor walk into a bar.

The Guardsman says "ow."

The Marine breaks right through the bar with his reinforced skull.

The Inquisitor accuses the bar of heresy. When the bar refuses to confess or even move despite sustained torture, the Inquisitor executes the Guardsman for failing to defeat the bar in combat.

An Imperial garrison containing both Space Marines and a Guard regiment had been under siege by Orks for days, and as a fighter bomma raid had destroyed the Imperial Guard mess hall, the remaining Guardsmen was allowed to dine in the Space Marine mess hall. In the food queue, a curious Guardsman (GM) attempts to start up a conversation with a Space Marine (SM).
GM: "So...you are one of those Space Marines, right?"
SM: "Correct."
GM: "Cool! You know, I've been thinking about joining a marine chapter myself and...”
SM: "You don't have what it takes."
GM: "Hey, that's just rude! You have no idea what I am capable of, I've actually killed no less that 13 xenos in my career, an...”
SM: "I've killed 14..."
GM: "That is not that impressive, I..."
SM: "...before breakfast."
GM: "...well... that's impressive. How did you join the marines?"
SM: "At the age of 12, I was drafted into the Imperial Guard to fight an army of chaos cultists. My squad was cut off from the rest of the regiment, and as we were out of ammo we were ordered to charge the enemy with only bayonets. I managed to kill 2 cultists, in spite of being shot several times while charging. Three days later, I was sent to the Ultramarine training facility on Ultramar along with 20 other recruits. I was the only one who managed to become a marine."
GM: "Wow, you are badass! What happened to the other 19? Did they wash out? Or did they get looser jobs like janitors or something?"
SM: "They died."
GM: "Ok...you have to be the most badass person I ever met! What are you? A sergeant? An officer?"
SM: "I'm the janitor."

chaos space marine an ork and a guards man round a camp fire
csm says "i could kill u both with my bolter, but i cant be asked"
ork says " i could kill u both with me choppa but too lazy now"
guard man screams in rage "i been shooting u with my lasgun for ages, why wont you die?"

Lots and Lots of ways to annoy your opponent:
1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Every time a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook (hours of fun).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that it’s his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously (but obviously) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says Warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!” When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything

50 MORE Ways to Annoy Your Opponent

1. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
2. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.
3. Try to bribe his units over to your side.
4. Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.
5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
6. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
7. Dress in character.
8. Perform a play-by-play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.
9. Speak only in third person.
10. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
12. Only roll one die at a time.
13. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
14. Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.
15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
16. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
17. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.
18. Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.
19. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
21. Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.
22. Claim your miniatures are proxies for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.
23. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
24. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
25. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.
26. In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.
27. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
28. Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.
29. Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.
30. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
31. Measure distances only with a yardstick.
32. On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved by Judge Dredd.
33. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
35. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
37. Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.
38. Converts all wheeled models into low riders. Including cannons and chariots.
39. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
41. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.
42. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
44. Write army list in pig Latin and binary.
45. Fuzzy dice.
46. Start each game with the national anthem.
47. Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.
48. During your opponent's turn, yodel.
49. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
51. Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.

08-11-2009, 22:48
jel neko čita sve ovo?:S

08-11-2009, 22:49
Procito sve.
Dobre stvari. :D

08-11-2009, 23:16
Speaking of funny
I kissed a spawn, and i liked it :pray:

08-11-2009, 23:39
To sam ja danas popodne strajkeru proslijedio, samo nek se zna. :)
Ali genijalna pjesma. :pray:

08-11-2009, 23:40
Samo nek' se zna, ja to nikome dalje nisam proslijedio ^^
Pjesma je brutalna.

EDIT- Dobro, lažem, ove sekunde sam to Grimu proslijedio. :)

09-11-2009, 14:22
I kissed a spawn and i liked it
the taste of decomposing guardmen

bas nemos prestat pjevat

09-11-2009, 14:59
Haha, lol na cijelu temu :rotfl: Baš fora :thumbs2:

17-11-2009, 18:55
There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.

On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"


21-11-2009, 02:57
Ima previše čak i za kopiranje, zato samo ovo:
http://forums.relicnews.com/archive/ind ... 28080.html (http://forums.relicnews.com/archive/index.php/t-28080.html)
I ima nekih fora koje su već postane, ali ima i nekih epski moćnih stvari tipa dnevnik jednog CSM-a :pray:

21-11-2009, 20:35
A Chaos Space Marine’s Diary

The following text is made up of notes from the diary of a Chaos Space Marine in the Black Legion.

Dreaded Diary,

Day 1, week 1
- Arrived at new camp on planet Ythcolgar.
- Started to feel pain in left arm. No idea why.
- Hung piece of paper on brother Ardius’ backpack reading “Purge me!” and had a good (and sinister) laugh with the rest of the lads.
- Brother Behemon painted the coolest ever winged skull on his shoulderplate today, and was brutally butchered by the guv’ (Estragor, Exalted Champion of Chaos) for being a Night Lords sympathizer.

Day 2, week 1
- Pain in arm growing. Went to Chaos sorcerer, who told me three words: “Extremis Unconfortablis Mutatis.” I’m visiting brother Arzhar tomorrow, to ask about mutation symptoms. (Arzhar has already got an ostrich-leg and a bat’s nose.)
- The Guv’ didn’t like the “purge me” joke, and as punishment I spent three hours writing “You’re dead!” back to front on the front of my squad’s Rhino, in preparation for next week’s big cityfight.
- Attended brother Behemon’s funeral today. The way sergeant Sargoth placed his blooded skull atop that burning mound of bones really stirred some emotions, but we all forgot our sadness and frustration by getting leglessly drunk on boozed-up blood afterwards.

Day 3, week 1
- Awoke with a terrible hangover from last night, and hung on my bed I found a picture of me making out with a daemonette. This, of course, led to quite a few “HOWs”, “WHYs” and “WHENs”
- Arzhar (who by the way has been gifted an additional ostrich leg by his patron) told me to expect a hideous mutation of my left arm. Although I have yet to read about the pros and cons of mutation, I’m hoping for either a whip-like tentacle or a massive crab’s claw!
- Found a scorched skull on the gound and hung it in my belt, but was then given a thorough lesson from sarge about martial honour, and how one shall only display battle-trophies that one-self has won. Frankly I couldn’t care less what he and the Blood God thinks.

Day 4, week 1
- Today we sacked an undefended city on the planet Urnium. Found a convenience store selling cereal-boxes called “Corn-chaos.” (a fitting name, I might add). The guv, however, took the cereal’s title as an insult mocking his patron, Khorne, and burned the shop personally. Fortunately I managed to grab the latest issue of “Universe at War” before the magasine-rack was consumed by the flames.
- Got into a fight with brother Octavius over which of the two destroyed legions landed on Istvaan V first. He claimed it was the (fragment missing), but surely it was the colossal landing crafts of the (fragment missing) legion which first touched the ground?
- Played Death-poker with the lads before going to bed. The only casualty was brother Magnon, who bought it in the fourth round. Won myself a neat little master-crafted beauty of a bolt-pistol, and a bottle of some blue liquid. (Note: The bottle was labeled: “Do not add anything”)

Day 5, week 1
- Today, the guv beheaded brother Raphaelus for having tattooed a certain rune on his forehead. But Raphaelus died with a smile on the face of his severed head, having had great fun tricking the entire company into believing that he had been given the Mark of Khorne.
- Pain in arm growing, the sorcerer told me to expect a mutation any day. I still find it hard to believe that I have particularly pleased one of the powers, except for perhaps amusing Slaanny by symbolically eating that Eldar’s spirit-stone in a battle a few weeks ago. (That stone was hard as rock, by the way, and it really messed up my teeth. And I was hoping for fangs and all!
- Attended “Pint-night” with the rest of the squad. In lack of boozed-up blood, drank the blue liquid I won at the poker-game. The liquid turned out stronger and fiercer than an irritated Bloodthirster, and sent me running to the latrine, screaming like a Horror. Before I reaching it, I had already vomited half my interiours all over the newly-polished Land Raider. (Note: Formed the vomit into looking like an evil face, and the tank commander was impressed when he saw it the next day.)

Day 6, week 1
- Last night I had a long vision of Tzeentch, telling me how mad he was at me. I spent all night running from his minions in the psychic realm. How I earned the wrath of Tzeentchie-boy (that old trickster is beyond me.
- Was told at the mess that the blue liquid I had drunk last night was infact an antidote to Nurgle’s Rot, and was lifted up by a group of Plague-marines and carried across the courtyard, being praised and honoured by the foul men. Never before have I drunk and thereby destroyed the nemesis of an entire squad of marines. (Note: My new nikcname is “Doom-drinker,” apparently.)

Day 7, week 1
- Awoke with left arm fully mutated! A beautiful tentacle-thingy, slimy and gross. Had great fun coiling it around brother Xarnon’s throat and almost strangling him. Went to Arzhar’s tent with a bunch of posessees, and had a “Who’s got the most hideous body-part”-competition. (Brother Igmarius won, sporting a toe with a fly’s head and little legs of it’s own.)
- Got tickets for tomorrow’s Emperor’s Children gig on the planet Harthras IV. (Note: Bus leaves at 4.00)
- Went to Chaos sorcerer in hope of finding out which god has gifted me with the tentacle. After two hours of the sorceror looking at the arm and taking down notes, came the following answer: “It is probably either Khorne, Tzeentch, Nurgle or Slaanesh.” (No big suprises there)

Day 1, week 2
- Went all day fooling around camp. For fun, pretended to be a nutter and was grouped with the posessed squad. Learned all there is to know about being possessed, and wrote down some of their most memorable lines: “The Emperor wins in the end”, “Does my host have bad breath?,” and “Man, the looks of this host are spoiling my chances of getting laid.”
- In the evening, went to Emperor’s Children concert on Harthras IV. Went backstage and got Eidolon’s autograph, and got my picture taken next to him, holding a blastmaster. After the concert, almost my entire squad talked about joining the Slaaneshi cult. (Note: Group pressure is a bad thing)
- Looking forward to tomorrow’s cityfight, spent the late hours painting terror-markings and contrasting colours on my armour, along with the lads. Only one of them had actually pledged his soul to Slaanny after the concert, and we helped him paint ridiculous colour-patterns and naughty artwork on his armour.

Day 2, week 2
- Had a good old cityfight in Yarnus, the capitol of the planet Kravus. Tried out the bolt-pistol I had won at the poker-game, but killed no-one with it (except brother Elmius by accident. He was probably gonna die anyway, right?). Ended with the bolt-pistol blowing up in my hand and rendering me unable to use a weapon. (Ever tried holding a boltgun with a tentacle?) Despite pain and being “psysically challenged” I managed to impress sarge by strangling two hapless citizens with my tentacle in less than 10 seconds.
- On the way back to base, I got friendly with Khorne-berzerker Arturion, and after he initially tried to chop my head off, we had an interesting coversation about social issues and skull-taking.

Day 3, week 2
- Awoke finding Arturion licking the blood off my wounded hand (which I had forgotten to do something about). Went with Arturion to the tech-marine, who replaced my wounded hand with a robot-one. The sad thing is that if it had been treated right away, I would only have had to replace 96, 7 percent of my hand, and not the whole thing. Arturion put his name up in the list for some more psycho-surgery. I said I like natural rage better, but he wouldn’t listen, and kept claiming it would make give him better self-confidence and make him more attractive.
- For an evening out, I went to the killing-grounds with the rest of my squad, to fight a pack of brutish beastmen. Did many things that Arturion had learnt me, but discovered that I still have to work on my “Double-Decap.” (Note: Must remember to send “I’m sorry”-letter to brother Lurg.)

Day 4, week 2
- Was told that brother Lurg from my squad died last night from wounds sustained at the killing-grounds yesterday. Unfortuately no one noticed how he was wounded. Although Lurg probably did, it was hard for him to explain without his jaw. (Note: Must remember to burn the “I’m Sorry!”-letter)
- Played Death-poker in the evening. Won nothing, and lost half my miniature-collection, including the special character “Rambo.” (We play with the miniatures in a game called “Warhammer 2k”)

- Day 5, week 2
- Sarge found the “I’m Sorry”-letter before I had time to burn it. Suprisingly, he didn’t mind the fact that it was I the one who had inflicted the mortal wounds on Lurg (by accident, of course...) Instead, he said that Khorne apparently favours those who kill their friends and allies, and fetched Lurg’s severed jaw for me to wear as a trophy.
- Was part of a group of marines ordered to test the new Dreadclaws. The pod I was in failed to work, and plumetted to the ground at lightning-speed. The pod crashed in a desert area of the planet, the impact killing everyone in the pod except me. Hours later I was found unconcious by the search-team, with a third-degree burn on my tentacle and without a lower jaw.

Day 6, week 2
- Left the field-hospital/gene-mixing-lab early in the morning, with a bandaged tentacle and a fully functional jaw. Apparently, they hadn’t found my original one, so they took the one hanging on a chain around my neck and put that one on instead.
- Went to Arzhar’s tent to ask how to treat injured mutated limbs. Arzhar, the poor #######, has by now been given a turtle’s shell and pig’s head (although he’s still got the bat’s nose), and was not in the mood to talk about mutations. Instead we discussed career-possibilities in the legion, and advaning to higher ranks. I’ve found out that possible career choices are: To join one of the cults, become a biker or havoc specialist, survive long enough to become a veteran, get possessed, almost die and become a Dreadnought, or become a driver. Tough choice, eh?
- In the evening, I returned to the killing-grounds with my squad, this time pitched against a group of imperial captives. We barely made it out alive, although this time I managed to perfectly execute the Double-Decap.

Day 7, week 2
- The talk with Arzhar yesterday really got me thinking. Walked around the camp, asking the different marines about what career THEY had chosen. So far, the cults seem unlikely (although the plague-marines will of course welcome “Doom Drinker” into their group anytime), and becoming possessed seems to leave few chances of advancing further in the ranks. Besides, having a face growing out of my chest and babbling philosofical nonsence all day isn’t my biggest ambition in life.
- Later, the camp was visited today by a small group of Word Bearers lead by a chaplain, coming to tell us all about why we should join their legion instead. Their endless preaching was cut short when the guv’ intervened, butchering them to a man. The survivor was held down and his armour was taken off. Then the guv’ tatooed the eye of Horus on his forehead, and “Black Legion rocks!" all over his chest. He was then carried into a space-ship, and finally jettisoned into space in a sarcophagus marked “To Lorgar!”

Day 1, week 3
- Had nothing to do half the day, so went with brother Ixius to the paint-shed where we stylised our armour some more. Ixius painted a large I (for Ixius) on his chestplate, although I’m sure I’ve seen that particluar letter dislplayed in similar manners before...
- Started preparing this week’s lighting-raid on an imperial hive-city called Necromunda. Apparently, the guv and all his officers and allies had been planning this raid for months, and have done all the nescessary calculations. With the forces we’re gonna use, the hive city will be reduced to a scorched wasteland littered with the dead in no time!
- In the evening, the guv violently slaughtered one of his own marines. The reason was that the marine had been given a mutated head by his god. What had his head mutated into? Two eagle-heads...

Day 2, week 3
- Got up early to play Blood-hockey with the lads, against a team composed of bloodthirsty beastmen and some imperial prisoners. With the game being my first one for ages, I only managed two kill-goals and one goal-kill. In the end, we won the game 18-3.
- Later, my squad and I was ordered into the desert-region of the planet to crush a beastman rebellion against us. When arriving, we saw that without any material to build a proper base with, they had constructed a gigantic sandcastle in the middle of the sea of sand-dunes. I was the big hero of the campaign, firing the descisive (and only) shot which took down their stronghold, burying them underneath. Was rewarded a medallion by the guv, which was ripped from my armour again when the lads told him what kind of resistance we had met.

Day 3, week 3
- Brother Taxius and brother Cormius came up with a great tactical idea today: Havoc bikers. Taxius and Cormius decided on sharing their stroke of strategic genius withe the guv himself, and went at once to his throne-room. Strangely enough, only one of them received a public execution for their stupidity (Cormius). Infact the guv assembled a unit of Havoc bikers, and made Taxius the unit sergeant. Apparently, the guv thought leading such a pointless unit on the battlefield would be prove to be punishment enough.
- Around noon, brother Praetorax threw a spray of “Mr. Clean” into the plague-marines’ tent as a joke. Punishment was dished out by the guv, who ensured that Praetorax will have his hands busy for quite a while; Praetorax was ordered to polish the armour of all the company’s plague-marines, and only when every single piece of armour has passed the white-glove test, will he be allowed to stop. Not suprisingly, a dozen of our company’s marines joined the Nurgle-cult today, for obvious reasons.
- Used most of the day packing my bags and preparing for the hive-city assault.

Day 4, week 3

(Nothing was written this day)

Day 5, week 3
- Mission to destroy hive-city Necromunda yesterday was cancelled, as our base fell under attack by a force of Iron Warriors before sunrise. Me and the rest of my squad were taken as captives by them, and we were taken deep into the warp aboard a small space hulk the Iron Warriors had mobilized. Their commanding warsmith said to us: “Half of your men escaped, half of your men were killed, and the last half were captured.” (So much for the Iron Warriors’ cold and efficient LOGIC) But he also told us how amazed he was by our defence skill, and that he was impressed by our tactical abilities. Apparently, the Havoc bikers had held back the Iron Warriors for several hours, allowing many marines to escape the doomed base.
- Today, we landed on a desert-planet (Tellarm or Tallern or something) for unknown reasons, and from my iron cage (which I was held in) I overheard two Iron Warriors playing in the sand:

“My sandcastle is bigger than yours!”
“No it isn’t!”
“Yes it is, and it has lascannons here and here, and these are missile lauchers!”
“Well mine’s got that aswell, and a moat full of skulls and barbed wire!”
“Your lascannons aren’t placed at the right spots! What if the enemy attacked here? Or here? Or put heavy fire on this wall? You’d have to concentrate the fire on that area over by the dead lizard, while your terminators got into position over by that pile of bones. And barbed wire placed over there isn’t gonna slow the enemy down! You’ve gotta put another turret on this spot here, next to the cactus, and have warriors standing ready over here in case of a breakthrough. And what if that scorpion over there assaulted this wall? I’d suggest a squad of...”

No doubt the Iron Warriors are tactical geniuses. I never learned what their business on the desert-planet was, and we left only hours later.

Day 6, week 3
- Early in the morning, we were brutally dragged from our warm and comfy chains and shackles and pitched against a squad of Obliterators in a game of inter-planetary Blood-hockey. We were solemnly beaten 23-2, with two casualties, one IGB (In-Game-Betrayal), and four of our men are probably still drifting into space.
- Discovered on my way back to the cell that the guv is also aboard the hulk. Not a big suprise really, as it’s not like him to run away or die in the heat of battle.
- Played Death-poker with a makeshift deck of cards (don’t ask), and I stole the show, winning three pieces of dry bread and five glasses of stagnant water.

Day 7, week 3
- Enjoyed a peaceful day in the cell. Nothing much happened, apart from brother Garvius being put in a straightjacket, brother Xathras climbing the walls, and the ever-complaining, ever-wining, ALWAYS annoying brother Urshar being knocked out, permanently. (NOT by me, I swear...)
- Later, a brilliantly co-operated jailbreak was carried out. Lead by the guv, all the Black Legion captives aboard the space hulk rampaged through the drifting metal-behemoth, killing everything we met, and probably everything we didn’t meet, considering we ended it all by blowing the hulk into at least two pieces. (Doesn’t have the same effect as “a million pieces,” does it?)

Day 1, week 4
- Back on our good old planet! We all celebrated our happy return with a visit to the killing grounds. Even the guv joined in, and we all had a merry time killing each other, since there was no-one else to fight. The guv said afterwards that events like these are nescessary to determine who are worthy of serving him. Those who died were obviously not worthy. Later, we partied in the mess, the sorcerer conjuring drinks from the depths of the warp, and we all got totally hammered. (Note: It’s fun dancing with Horrors when you’re drunk)

Day 2, week 4
- Received tragic news that brother Praetorax had comitted suicide with a bomb, finally having had enough of polishing plague-infested armour. There was a memorial service at noon, with the (very few) remains of Praetorax being ritually fed to a pack of wild mutant-geese. Everyone attended except the plague-marines, who had lost both their servant and their sergeant when the bomb went off. Ironically, the bomb-explosion had burnt every drop of slime off their armour...
- Brother Arzhar, the Toy of the Gods (which he has been titled by his superior) has received yet another mutation. His latest hideous feature is a frog’s chin. And while we was captured aboard the space hulk, he had been gifted a fish-tail. Lay awake all night because of the noises coming from his tent. (Note: “Riddip” and “croak” are the two most annoying sounds in the galaxy.)

Day 3, week 4
- Felt like doing nothing, so rented three videos with some of my squad-mates: “Edward Lightning-claws”, “Children of the Khorne”, and a documentary film starring among others the guv himself: “Pitch Black Crusade.”
- After having watched films for hours and eventually getting fed up, we went to the mess. On the tent, there hung a large poster with a picture of his majesty Abaddon the Despoiler, pointing at us with his Talon of Horus, and the text read “Abaddon wants you!” Inspired by the movie we had just watched (and just for kicks, of course), my entire squad (including me) put their names up for the next Black Crusade. We decided that burning planets, killing imperials and enslaving billions looks great, and we made the guv really proud of us too.
- Later, we found this really neat piece of armour in the junkyard, and brother Halus put it on at once. Of course, no-one told him that what he had just put on was a suit of armour from the Thousand Sons legion. And we quickly discovered that it was still occupied by it’s original wearer, when the armour ran off with Halus screaming to get out.

Day 4, week 4
- Today, sarge told us that there were already thousands of regulars who had signed up for his majesty Abaddon’s next Black Crusade. In order to participate in the crusade, our squad had to choose a more specialized style of warfare, since there was still a shortage of specialist troops in the Black Crusade army. We had a poll, and it was soon decided that our path was to become bikers. Without further ado, we all started practising to become bikers, something that was quite hard considering we had not been issued any bikes yet.
- Saw the new poster at the mess, telling that there is a contest to see who can recruit the most marines into joining the Black Crusade. (First prize is an antique shoulderplate worn by the great commander Orghoth, that’s for recruiting 20 marines.) Went to Arzhar’s tent and tried persuading him into joining the crusade, and he finally agreed to, after I had outdone myself in making up lame reasons for him to join.
Day 5, week 4
- Got up before sunrise and ran around camp recruiting marines to join the crusade. I realised that if I wake them from their sleep early in the morning, most of the marines will say (or agree to do) anything as long as you go away and let them sleep.
- Went to the head-office and handed in the paper with all the signatures. It actually turned out that I didn’t win the recruitment-contest, as the Berzerker champion had walked around the camp last night and forced a heap of marines to join. If the choice is between going on a Black Crusade or getting you head cut off, what would you have answered? Anyway, I won second prize, a really cool replica of Khârn the Betrayer’s helmet. After scaring a few of my squad-mates out of bed by wearing the helmet and shouting “Blood for the Blood God!”, I painted it black and adorned it with the Eye of Horus, the most infamous of all the Chaos symbols. (Plus it’s my favorite one.)
- Went to Arzhar’s tent, and helped him paint the Eye on his turtle-shell. Actually, I didn’t, and wrote instead: “One-man zoo!” A mean thing to do? Hardly, since mutants always say they want to be treated like everone else.

Day 6, week 4
- Today, some crucial messages were given to us by sarge. The Black Crusade is commencing in one week, but we won’t be joining it until the main fleet comes to our system, which should happen a few days later. Also, he told us that our squad had been accepted to become bikers, and that our bikes would be issued to us when we join the fleet. Finally, he told us that the guv has been accepted into Abaddon’s inner circle of lords for the crusade. Apparently, this is to be celebrated next week at the newly built pub/pleasure-house “Sex, drugs and worse!”, erected by the Slaaneshi cult.
- Went around camp all day trying to get hold of some drinks for next week’s party. I came over several choices: the regular boozed-up blood, a bottle of “Brother Bravius’ Belly-burner,” and some green slime which sticked to the wall when I threw it. In the end, I went with the Belly-burner for variety, since the slime tasted bad, and I’m tired of boozed-up blood. (Besides, the last time I drunk it, I vomited up big lumps of coagulated blood the next day, which pleased only the berzerker who I allowed to have them.)
- Played Death-poker with the squad, and lost my fake Khorne-necklace (Oh no:). I also lost a gold tooth that I never knew I had. Apparently, brother Renghar, who won it, had been a friend of brother Lurg, the former owner of my jaw.

Day 7, week 4
- Walked around camp with brother Fermicus and sold off all the gear that we won’t be needing when we become bikers. Traded our beloved Heavy bolter for a skull-shaped helmet, an antique deck of cards and a small Chaos familiar that was found in the mess sink this morning.
- After a big, bloody fight that probably pleased Khorne, brother Halus got to keep the skull-helmet. Then we played a quick game of Death-poker (without the full rules, since we wanted to be at full strength for the crusade), and since no-one wanted the familiar, I guess I’ stuck with it.
- In the evening, sarge assembled us in the main tent where we were to discuss biker-tactics. After hours of debating, arguing, countless feet being stamped and fists being hammered onto the table in rage, we finally agreed on a strategy: the good old “Charge!!!”

Day 1, week 5
- Had nothing to do, so I went with brother Furiax to the killing-grounds, to test our mettle against the good old beastman horde. Dispite our fearless fighting, me even managing a Double-Decap without trying to, we were outnumbered and quickly surrounded. But fortunately, some last-minute help in the form of the berzerker-squad arrived, and they quickly turned the place into a fountain of blood.
- Used the rest of the afternoon trying to get all the beastman-blood off my armour. Later, I went to the mess to try out today’s special, “Rotting corpse.” (Plague marines had mess-duty today) It tasted kinda out of date.

Day 2, week 5
- Borrowed the latest copy of “Universe at War” from brother Vulkus, and read interesting article on combat-bikes. Got some really cool ideas for my future “metal steed” (that’s what us pros call our bikes), and I’m definately gonna try out the flame-pattern.
- Later today, the list of Crusade-squads was hung up. It turned out that two thirds of our company, including the guv himself, have enlisted into his majesty Abaddon’s crusade. Noted down names of all the squads joining: Squad Estragor (Raptors, lead by the guv himself), Squad Dharkos (Possessed), Squad Zerus (Havocs), Squad Sargoth (That’s us! Bikers, of course), Squad Traghius (Plague marines) and Squad Mhorkorus (Berzerkers). Also, we’re committing a Rhino APC and the Land Raider “Eternal Hatred” to serve in Abaddon’s forces.
- Went to Arzhar’s tent in the evening. He’s not been put in any of the squads, it turned out, but is being taken along with some other (weirdo) marines to be used as auxilliaries. Had a long chat with him, mostly about violence and the meaning of death. Noticed before I left that it looks like a pair of rabbit-ears are appearing on his head.

Day 3, week 5
- The day started with us talking about the World Eaters at the mess. When we came to the fact that they have no recorded home-world, brother Hades found a good reason why: “They ate it.” Stupidity-execution carried out by the guv, who hates stupid people (and doesn’t like bad jokes either.) Only minutes later, brother Unghor foolishly asked out loud: “If Slaanesh is the god of sex, why is it Tzeentch who’s got a thousand sons?” It resulted in the guv having killed two of his own men for being stupid before breakfast was over.
- Checked the mail, and found a flyer with “Join the BDA” displayed on the front. After reading through it, I found out that it wasn’t anyhting for me. (A Chaos marine joining “Blood-Drinkers Anonymous”? I don’t think so.)
- In the evening, the (slightly delayed) party to celebrate our return was held. (We were captured aboard a space hulk, remember?) We all had a jolly good time, but soon a pack of daemons invited themselves to the party. Before night was over, a drunken Plaguebearer had vomited on Brother Fratius (killing him), a swarm of Nurglings got the Land Raider going and drove away with it, and three of our men were possessed by daemons. It all came to a finale when a enormous Great Unclean One materialized in the pub, squashing several marines and cultists to death upon it’s arrival. (Note: Nurgloid daemons are very annoying. Remeber NOT to get possessed by one!)

Day 4, week 5
- Awoke face down in a puddle of slime behind the bar. Got up just in time to get out of the pub before it was demolished. Apparently, it was fully trashed inside, and so full of slime from the daemons that dropped in last night, that the guv saw no reason in keeping it standing. Instead, he is planning to erect a Chaos monolith in it’s place.
- Our squad was called to search for the Land Raider which was hijacked by the Nurglings last night. We eventually found it half-buried by sand in the desert-region of the planet. It was littered with dead Nurglings, dryed up and shrivelled, who obviously couldn’t cope with the heat. Brother Furiax insisted riding back to base on top of the tank, but it almost cost him his life; When we returned his lungs were half-filled with sand, and he was twice as heavy to carry because of the amount of sand inside his armour.
- Used the rest of the afternoon sharing thoughts about war with the familiar.

Day 5, week 5

Day 6
- Finally found my diary! Who on earth put it under my bed? Thanks to whoever it was, I didn’t get to write anything in it yesterday.
- Had a talk with Arzhar (who by the way has got a pair of rabbit-ears now, just as I predicted.) He says he’s going to be grouped with the possessed once we join the Black Crusade, even though there isn’t a daemon in him (yet). Had a glass of vintage boozed-up blood (slightly coagulated, but that’s how it’s supposed to be, apparently) and talked about how the Crusade’s gonna be like. Promised we’d meet again before we leave.

Day 7, week 5
- Spent the day making huge posters and banner reading: “Warmaster, command us!” and “Welcome, Your Highness!” They were all spread out on the camp-grounds facing upwards. Brother Grax dug a deep hole in the ground and covered it with a huge sheet, on which he had written “Land here!” It was just intended as a joke, of course. However, the guv quickly found out (the hard way), and Grax was shackled, gagged and blindfolded and thrown in the pit immeditaly. However, he was not buried alive. Instead, the guv simply covered the pit again with the same sheet. (Talk about digging your own grave...)
- We all wrote our wills in the mess. Decided that if I die, sarge can keep all my stuff. (Note: Remeber to make sure brother Tryvus doesn’t survive the crusade, since he’s put me up for his antique pre-heresy bolter if he dies.)
- Couldn’t sleep, lay awake thinking about the crusade.

What will Abaddon be like?
How long before I get my bike?
How many planets will we burn?
Will I be dead before we return?

Coming soon! “A Chaos Space Marine’s Diary: The Black Crusade”

This is part 2, "the Black Crusade". Watch out, though, as some parts of it were made less jokes and more fluff by the author.

21-11-2009, 20:36
"A Chaos Space Marine's Diary: The Black Crusade"

Day 1, week 6
1 Awoke from sarge bellowing orders to everyone. Apparently, his majesty Abaddon's fleet is due here tomorrow, and today was our last chance to do whatever we want to before we're off to burn the galaxy. Having spent yesterday wisely, packing all my stuff and all that, I walked around camp all day. Arzhar was busy packing his gear, having some problems carrying it all with his new crab's claw. Arturion, my bloodthirsty berzerking friend, was busy arguing with his sergeant. Apparently, their squad consisted of nine marines, while Khorne's sacred number is eight. Not suprisingly, a member of the squad was removed (or at least his head was).
2 Payed a visit to the pit of slime, where the cultists and marines of Nurgle were busy gathering up their stuff. Watched them filling bags, bottles and buckets full with slime, and taking them to the landing-site. Obviously, they intend to "make themselves at home" in one of the ships. Their Champion, Traghius, offered me a final chance to join their squad, which I declined, although I don't think he bought my excuse. ("Green just isn't my colour...")
3 Again, couldn't sleep because of the big day tomorrow.

Day 2, week 6
3 Suprised to wake up late and find that the fleet hadn't arrived yet. Everyone was so tence and excited, the landing site was crammed with marines and cultists alike. The Sorcerer was restlessly dipping his mind in and out of the warp, checking for any signs of the fleet arriving. The berzerkers were fighting amongst each other (friendly at first, but it ended with a bloody chainsword and a severed arm), the Plague marines were dozing in a huge puddle of slime, and the Slaaneshi were doing things a bit too rude to describe here.
4 About mid-day, a marine from Squad Zerus was executed by the guv for thinking that the Death Guard's pre-heresy name was the Life Guard. ("I mean, it makes sence, doesn't it...? What? The Guv?! Where?!!") Thankfully, the guv was so busy with this that he never heard brother Xathras claim that there is a successor chapter of the Iron Hands called the Iron Feet.
5 Then finally, just as the second sun was about to set, gigantic black ships of the Black Legion fleet went into orbit around the planet. Huge transport-ships descended from the sky, and landed somewhere on the horison. Everyone was so disappointed that they hand't landed where we had put out the signs, except perhaps brother Grax, who was still stuck in his pit, and the immature brother Draegon, who had written a poem and drawn a picture of Abaddon.
6 Upon arriving at the ships, our squads grouped up, and boarded the ships. We were all told that the main fleet had moved on to the next system, and that we would catch up with it sometime tomorrow. Unfortunately, all the squads except the guv and his Raptors had been crammed into one ship, and there was only one huge room that we all had to share. Dumped my stuff in a corner and then went and did nothing with the rest of the lads. This was kinda fun for a while, but we stopped doing it after a while since we didn't want to take all the fun out of it at once.

Day 3, week 6
7 Last night was the worst night ever! Firstly, there was an incredibly strong stink of corruption and decay oozing from those damned Plague marines (Okey, I know we're ALL damned, LITTERALLY, but you get my meaning). And through the night I was awoken several times by berzerkers cying "Blood for the Blood God!" in their sleep. One of them had even lashed out with his weapon while asleep, and in the morning I awoke in a puddle of blood next to a dead marine with a chain-axe dug into his chest.
8 In the guv's abscence, we all had a merry time shouting out our best (and worst) jokes. I don't know how many times I heard the words "World Munchers", "Emperor's Grandchildren", "Thousand Daughters" and "Day Lords." In the end, an execution was carried out by the sorcerer, who (it turned out) also has the right to execute, and who happened to be aboard our ship. He could have told us that he was present before brother Ixius shouted that thing about the sorcerer having lost his mind in the warp.
9 By mid-day, we had all had enough of the ship. The Tzeentchians were saying to each other: "We need a change of settings", the Nurgloids were muttering: "We'll never find that main fleet, there's no hope for us", the Slaaneshi were saying: "Let's enjoy it while it lasts", and the Khornates occasionally shouted "Blood for you-know-who!"
10 But suddenly, the sorcerer shouted out: "We are now approaching the main Black Crusade fleet, please fasten your backpacks and put out your cigarettes and the raging fire in you souls. Boarding will commence in a few minutes." Minutes later came a large "clank!" from the ship, and before we had time to say "What the warp is going on?", the main doors to our ship opened. Beyond was a vast hangar full of shuttles, fighters, recon-craft and assault-boats.
11 After exiting the dreaded transport ship in an organised fashion (well, not THAT organised, we're Chaos after all), we were immediatly formed into ranks and adressed by some bigwig Exhalted Champion. Apparently, we were now aboard the ship "Immeasurable Rage", and we had arrived just in time for his majesty Abaddon's big speech. We watched it live from his battle barge on a big screen in the hangar, together with two other companies of marines.

"Honourable and not that honourable marines! Today our conquest of the galaxy officially begins.
Today is the day when the Imperium will once again hear the might of the Warp approaching, like herd of mutant elephants, the day when they will feel the black and slimy talon of darkness reaching out from the depths.
We shall once again sow terror in the hearts of the mortals, we shall once again be the ones who fan the embers of heresy into outright rebellion.
This time, they will not stop us, for the shadow of Chaos cannot be stopped. It will always be there, watching humanity from without, like a camouflaged moth on a tree, and corrupting humanity from within, just like boozed-up blood does when you're drunk.
Alone and divided we will not have much hope of defeating the imperium, for they are many, and we are... not that many. But when the legions of despair, the chosen of darkness stand together, we are probably unstoppable.
And sitting on his golden butt with wires and pipes sticking out from every part of his body, the phoney emperor knows this. He thinks he has seen the gods at the peak of their powers, and knows that they are strong, too strong. But the beast of Chaos has not truly awoken from it's slumber, and when it does, it's powers will be beyond metric measure!"

1 At this point, I stopped paying attention and instead stood watching the hottest Keeper of Secrets I have ever seen in my life, which was hovering half-visible above the ranks of marines, in a cloud of sparkling smoke. By the time it had vanished, his majesty's speech was finished, and there came a deafening roar followed by loud chanting from all the other marines. I joined in, of course, although I wasn't quite sure what we were chanting. In lack of imagination, I chanted "Rights for Squats!" (Popular chant these days) Fortunately, nobody seemed to notice.
2 At the end of a long day, we were split up and sorted into different companies, so some of our squads were transfered to different ships. Squad Mhorkorus, the berzerkers, were teleported aboard the "Everlasting Fury", a ship under command of one Lord Xenofexius, champion of Khorne. The Plague marines of Squad Traghius also departed, to form the Honour Guard (read: Odour Guard) of a Nurgloid champion known only as Infectius. And as for the guv, he and his squad of Raptors also left the ship, destined to become part of his majesty Abaddon's 1st Company.
3 Finally, after a long day featuring a lot of waiting for orders, we were given cabin-keys. My cabin-mate turned out to be brother Furiax, a good friend (or "Battle Companion"; Chaos marines aren't supposed to have friends, apparently.)

Day 4, week 6
3 Almost overslept on my first day in the crusade, as I was too fast asleep to hear sarge banging on the door with a powerfist (I didn't wake up before he accidentaly smashed the fist THROUGH the door and knocked the already-awake brother Furiax back to sleep.)
4 Went to the main hall for a first day briefing and orientation together with the rest of the company. We were all glad to hear that we would get our bikes today, and after the Exhalted Champion Astralax had babbled uninteresting nonsence for what seemed like a few weeks (time flows differently in the warp), our squad were teleported aboard the fleet's supply ship.
5 Once there, we entered the large storage-rooms, and made our way through mountains of crates, forests of chains and oceans of nuts and bolts, and finally found all the crusade's bikes lined up neatly in a (long) row. We all picked out a bike each. I chose a newly captured imperial model, featuring the newest twin bolters and a neat skull-motif, which I chose not to remove. When everyone was satisfied, we got on our metal steeds and drove back to the teleport area. Only one of us managed to reach the destination without crashing or falling off: the multi-talented (and proud of it) brother Jaeger. Personally, I managed to drive full speed straight inside an open Land Raider, which hadn't been so bad if there wasn't already a squad of big and spiky terminators inside. Brother Furiax tried to do a wheelie, but he managed only to get thrown to the floor and getting knocked unconscious. His bike continued across the room, and a marine from another squad got his helmet-hair entangled in the bike's front wheel. His head was twisted around several times before anyone came to the rescue, but fortunately the marine was daemon-possessed and didn't feel a thing. Brother Halus, on the other hand, crashed into a crate of missiles, and it ended with explosive results. And to make matters worse, the near-dead Halus couldn't receive any treatment for his wounds, since the fleet's only sick-bay has been taken over by Fabius Bile. Brother Halus became our squad's first casualty of the crusade.
6 When we arrived back on the "Immeasurable Rage", we were given some important messages from Exhalted Champion Astralax. Tomorrow, biker-newbies are going to train their skills on some barren desert-planet. And the day after tomorrow, we're going on our first raid!

Day 5, week 6
7 Landed on the desert-planet early in the morning, to begin practising on bikes immediatly. The huge open space really gave us all the room we wanted, and we quickly sped off in different directions. After three hours of practise and five hours of trying to find the rendezvous-point, our squad was back at the landing-site. Only one casualty, brother Bravius had apparently fallen into a huge pit with teeth, somewhere in the great ocean of sand. That leaves our squad reduced to eight marines before we've seen any real action.
8 Later, we received full briefing of tomorrow's mission. Tomorrow, the fleet will be divided into smaller groups of ships, although his majesty Abaddon usually prefers his stuff to be "undivided". Anyway, our company's fast attack units have been selected to aid the Iron Warriors 11th Grand Company in assaulting the planet Selectius VII (We didn't like this alliance one bit, but according to Lord Astralax: "...in a Black Crusade, you've got to be prepared for situations like this, blah blah blah...") We all left the briefing in a bad mood, although I guess we're going to Selectius tomorrow no matter how much we hate the Iron Warriors.

Day 6, week 6
9 Started the day with a last minute briefing with sarge, who had been told the battle-plans by the Warsmith of the Iron Warriors. Fortunately, it's a fairly straightforward plan. Unfortunately, the plan consists of our squad driving full speed into an imperial-held trench-complex, where we according to plan are supposed to: "deal as much damage as possible, and stay clear of incoming Iron Warriors artillery-fire." And of course, the always annoying last message: "Expect Imperial Space Marine resistance." Shortly after the meeting, we all went and wrote "Despair!" on our armour. (Note: In case you wondered, this commonly displayed word has nothing to do with the end of the universe. Those who display it on their armour have simply been given hopeless missions.)

Selectius VII
At 0900 hours, local time, we descended on the planet Selectius VII. From the second we entered low orbit, our ships took heavy fire. Last minute orders and prayers to the dark ones filled the comm-system, and the first-glance terrain analyses were given to our squad. The words we heard had undoubtably been picked straight from the first page of the book "What a biker doesn't want to hear". The senctence "Bumpy, wet and muddy" stuck to our minds like leeches, sucking out every last drop of courage and hope.
The second after the door of our transport opened, like the maw of an nightmarish beast, we embarked with the deafening roar of deamonic engines. Squeezing triggers and spraying forth bullets as if our lives depended on it (which wasn't far from the truth), Squad Sargoth raced ahead into the foggy no-man's land. In our wake followed black-painted personel-carriers and the armoured giants of our Land Raiders.
We sped across the hellish half-swamp, our coloured tails of helmet-hair flowing in the wind, bullets, lasers and rockets coming straight at us and whining past our heads, providing us with a much-appreciated adrenaline kick.
As my bike skidded into a ditch and a bolter-shell strafed my shoulderplate, the bike ahead of me exploded, the colossal blast shaking the ground like the stride of a titan. Like a blossoming flower of fire, the explosion lit up it's surroundings, and I was blinded by it's white core. Infernal heat made my sweat pour, and cowering behind my bike like a beetle under a rock, I shouted through my comm-link "Taking heavy fire!"
A series of shouts, roars, screams and battlecries filled my ears as I reached for my trusted bolt pistol, acnowledging the fact that my metal steed could carry me no further. I lept forth from cover, and with the angry scream of a bolt-pistol firing, I emptied a magazine of bullets into the darkness ahead of me.
The fog of war was thick as a warp-storm, and my surroundings blacker than my soul. But undaunted, I strode forth with fiendish bravery, and gunned down a pitiful mortal before he had time to shout for help. The roaring noise of explosions was all around, and the booming pulse of bolter-fire filled the air. Another hapless target presented itself, a wounded imperial soldier striving to reload his weapon. A merciless slash of my sword ended his suffering, and I advanced through the war-zone, my eyes scanning the visible terrain for another victim; Another victim to be sacrificed to the ever-increasing might of Chaos! Muhahahaha, I love this job!!
Soon, the unmistakeable sound of incoming artillery-fire drowned the other noises of battle. The ground shook as explosive shells impacted amongst us, blowing men and machines to bits, and sending debris and severed limbs flying. The blasts blew us off our feet, and ear-shattering bangs made men scream in pain. Total havoc, absolute chaos, survival instinct was the only thing that controlled us. Men fought each other for the little cover available, and all sence of martial honour and bravery was forgotten as death rained upon us from above.
Sudden heavy-bolter fire could be heard nearby, and I was punched off my feet as a speeding shell hit me in the side, sending me to the ground in indescribable pain. As warriors clashed all around me, shouting war-cries and entering the fray suicidally, and I slowly sank into the mud, and my vision faded...

Day 7, week 6
10 Found myself lying bandaged in my bed when I woke up, with brother Furiax leaning over me. He told me that our mission yesterday had gone EXACTLY as we had predicted: Impossible terrain for biking, heavily outnumbered in enemy territory, and the Iron Warriors fire-support made things just as bad for us as for the imperials. Fortunately, most of the friendly casualties had been from squad Dravius, the other biker squad that had joined us in the assault. Squad Sargoth had taken only two casualties, brothers Vulkus and Rhengar.
11 Spent most of the day recovering from my injury, and discussing yesterday's mission with the lads. At least Vulkus and Rhengar didn't die in vain, as I learned that the forces of Chaos had won the battle yesterday, and already enslaved the entire planet's population. But although the Iron Warriors received all the honour for the victory, their Warsmith simply replied: "About time!"
12 For fun, our squad went to the Word Bearers' victory-party, celebrating that they had converted two entire planets to our religion in only one day. The party offered a lot of drunken praying, an unholy amount of wall-to-wall vomiting, and of course the Word Bearers sang their favourite drinking-song (as fast as they could): "How many words could a Word Bearer bear, if a Word Bearer could bear words?"

Day 1, week 7
13 Woke up without my armour, lying on my back on the Word Bearers' Altar of Sacrifice which I vaguely remeber from last night. After regrouping with the rest of the lads and removing a large dagger from my chest (it had only pierced one heart, fortunately), we left the Word Bearers ship "Lorgars Hand of Fire", and returned to our quarters on the Immeasurable Rage.
14 I received treatment for my wound, and I thoroughly regret my drunken descision last night (Being sacrificed to the dark gods WASN'T a blast after all...) But the Word Bearers have ten thousand years of experience when it comes to sacrificing stuff (especially marines), so how they managed NOT to kill me remains a mystery.
15 Later, Lord Astralax gave us the weekly crusade update. Tragically, almost the entire squad Varrus has been KIA (Killed In Action), and most of squad Mhorkorus has been SIA (Slaughtered in Action). I'm crossing my fingers (and the tentacle equivalent) that brother Arturion of squad Mhorkorus survived.
More unhappy news: the Nurgle champion Infectius has left the crusade without permission, to search for the Plague Planet. Under his command were numerous Plague marine-squads, including my mates in squad Traghius. I'm really dissapointed that Traghius and his lads have left us, and besides, it's not like Nurgloids to do things like that, since they usually hate all kinds of change.
There was more news. Apparently, the Alphans were inches from defeat on Framork III. After the main battle-plan and four backup-plans had failed, their 5th backup consisted of calling for support from the Iron Warriors 9th Grand Company. The Iron Warriors commenced using their standard tactic, and almost fifty Alpha warriors, two bike-squads, three Rhinos and commander Hydraxus were accidentaly annihilated by their orbital bombardment. With the Alphans dead, the orks claimed victory, as the Iron Warriors were short on bombs, and ran out before the entire planet had been scorched.

Day 2, week 7
16 Early today, we were all told that the imperials have started offering some real resistance, and apparently, they plan on taking the fight to us. An anti-Chaos crusade has been formed from several chapters of Space Marines. These chapters have been selected to not only defend planets we attack, but also to be on the offensive, attacking the Black Crusade fleet. According to our sorcerer, a small number of space marine assault-squadrons are already pursuing us, which is bad news for our ship since it's trailing at the very end of the fleet.
17 Most of the day was spent learning how to control our ship's turrets, how to fight in deep space, and some of us were selected to learn piloting skills, so our assault-boats can provide some resistance when the imperials arrive.
18 After a few hours of the assault-boats racing each other round and round the ship, while the turret-operators practised their marksmanship by trying to hit us, we were back in the hangar bay. Squad Rhazior challenged us to a friendly game of Blood Hockey in a nearby asteroid-field, so we got back aboard the ships and headed for the asteroid selected for the game. The game was a good one (we won), though much fun is taken from a Blood Hockey game if it isn't played with the full rules. The game really helped us ease up a bit, taking our minds away from the possible imperial attack on our fleet.

Day 3, week 7

1 Today, our squad agreed to do our part of keeping Blood Hockey a popular game for millennia to come. We decided on trying to preserve the rules by writing them down and putting them in a so-called "time capsule". We all wrote down one part of the game each, and my task was to make a note of weapons commonly used in "Friendly-games", like the one we played yesterday. Too bad it had to take up space in my dreaded diary, but here it is anyway:

1 One-handed mace: Useful for knocking out players without severing limbs or creating bloody wounds.
2 Knife: Light, frequently double-bladed, handy for stabbing your way out a crowd of players. In friendly-games, the blades are usually shortened, so they can't penetrate dangerously deep into an opposing player. However, the knife's major function is that it can be poisoned. Liquids that can (temporarily) make a wounded player weak, blind, hallucinate or go insane are popular.
3 Cattle-prod: Electrically-charged device which inflicts a mild electro-shock when in contact with a player. Good for making a player lose his concentration, excellent when aimed at players' weak spots.
4 Grappling-device: Launches a hook with a piece of rope attached to it. Incredibly handy for pulling players to the ground, making players trip, and if wielded with expert skill, snatching the skull from enemy players.
5 Net: As simple as it sounds. For better results, the net can be dipped in tar or glue before a game.
6 Small creature: Some players bring a lucky creature with them onto the pitch. Varying from familiars and Nurglings to baby goblins and giant spiders, a creature can prove very effective if trained to perform useful tasks on the pitch. And if it doesn't obey, throwing it in the faces of opposing players or holding it's tail and swinging it around like a flail works too.
7 On worlds where the devices and weapons above are hard to come by, all manners of crude devices are used: Rakes, spades, hammers, saws, slings, handfulls of sand, rocks, sticks, and if nothing else presents itself: bare fists and fingers with sharp nails.

7 After writing it all down and placing a copy aboard a space-coffin which we shot into space, we decided to pay a visit to the Emperor's Children. We had heard that yesterday they suffered terrible losses during the easiest of missions, thanks that pesky Legion of the Damned. You can be sure that when victory is in sight, those black-armoured bastards will show up in their usual fashion and "save the day." We jumped aboard a transport and headed for the Slaaneshi ship.
8 We arrived on board the ship to the strangest of sounds. Lying about in the hangar, we found a small group of Noise Marines, who were jamming half-heartedly with their sonic-weapons while they smoked at least three joints each. Those who didn't wear helmets looked like hell, drooling and staring into the air with their empty eyes. (Note: Don't ever have a speaker operated into your mouth. It looks really unconfortable!)
9 We continued into the ship and found the corridors and halls littered with Slaaneshi marines and cultists, lying about just like the Noise Marines. Many of them were wired up to the drug-outlets in the wall. They babbled nonsence and sighed with satisfaction, cuddling together in heaps, the cultists caringly polishing the armour of the marines while they wispered sweet lines of decadence into their ears. The walls were covered in multicoloured grafitti, displaying rude pictures as well as beautiful landscapes from the most idyllic daemon-worlds.
10 We finally found the officer in charge, a newly appointed Chaos Lord (or Drug Lord, as Slaaneshis prefer to be called) who told us that yesterday their inspirational and much loved former leader had been killed, and very few had survived the ambush of the black marines. We soon left the depressed Emperor's Children, since they proved no fun when all they wanted to do was die high.

Day 4, week 7
1 A massive fight broke out in the mess this morning. We were eating breakfast with squad Rhazior when sarge and sergeant Rhazior got annoyed with each other for some forgotten reason. Rhazior punched sarge in the face with his powerfist, and soon we were all fighting. During the early stages of the fight, two speeding bullets bound for my head somehow hit each other in mid air, both getting knocked out of course and killing two marines from Squad Rhazior instead! (Can it have had anything to do with my extra prayer to Tzeentch last night?) Anyway, I was the great hero of the battle, single-handedly rescuing brother Fermicus from the clutches of squad Rhazior, who had fortified themselves in the kitchen. My combat-skills with the saucepan became legendary today, since only a few marines had brought along their weapons to breakfast, and I wasn't one of them. (We haven't had to bring weapons to breakfast since that time back on Ytholgar, when the chef served Nurgling-stew without killing the Nurglings first.)
2 Spent the rest of the day cleaning up the mess in the mess after the fight. I KNEW brother Fermicus had gone too far when he fired a missile into the kitchen to avenge being held hostage by squad Rhazior. And trying to breach the kitchen-wall by catapulting the huge stewpan at it wasn't the brightest of ideas either. And we all thoroughly regretted igniting the oven-gas, since the resulting flame-blast had ruined the oven and burnt a week's worth of food. Squad Rhazior were sent down to a nearby planet to get more water, since they had used up all the water by boiling it and hurling it out the kitchen-door at us during the fight. And they were also given the responsibility to replace the mess-tables which had been used as barricades, the meat-steaks which had been used as clubs, and of course the kitchen crew, who they had used as gun-fodder during our first assault.
3 Later, brother Xathras and I went around the ship looking for fun. We found a teleport-homer in the hangar, and Xathras "over-focused it's proximity-level" (Don't ask me what that means, but it sounded cool.). Then we managed to hide the homer inside the Dreadnought "Blackwound".

Day 5, week 7
3 Awoke to some shattering news. Apparently, during a Deep Strike mission last night, our company's entire squad of Terminators had been killed, and we'd also lost a Dreadnought! It was really a freak accident: All the terminators had materialised INSIDE the Dreadnought when teleporting down to the planet-surface. Xathras tried to assure me that what we had done with the teleport-homer and the Dreadnought yesterday had nothing to do with the accident. But I don't really care, since a vital part of being a Chaos marine is to not care about anything!
4 More bad news, perhaps even worse than the first. Brother Jaeger from our squad had the most terrible nightmares last night. He witnessed the death of our beloved Warmaster at the hands of the false Emperor. You see, deeply ingrained within our Black Legion' gene-seed is the encoded experience of Horus, and many say that most deeply imprinted of all is the memory of his final battle with the Emperor. Sometimes an event or circumstance will trigger this memory. This appears to happen only rarely, often on the eve of battle, and it is likely to be a fatal experience for the warrior whose mind is suddenly wrenched into the distant past. What has become known as the Black Hatred overcomes him, the memories and consciousness of Horus intrude upon his mind, and dire events ten thousand years old flood into the present. This we know to be true. To others, a Chaos Space Marine overcome by the Black Hatred appears half mad with fury: he is unable to distinguish past from present, and does not recognise his comrades. He may believe he is Horus upon the eve of his destruction, and that the bloody battles of the Horus Heresy are raging around him. As well as Horus's memories, the Chaos Space Marine is touched with a small portion of the Warmaster's unearthly power, boosting the warrior's already prodigious strength and vitality to superhuman levels. Those Chaos marines who suffer this condition are formed into units known as the "Eyes of Horus." That's where we'll find brother Jaeger from now on. I THINK the imperials have an equivalent of our "Eyes of Horus."
5 Later, Sarge showed us a ten thousand years old picture the Guv, the only guy we know who's been around since the days before the Heresy. Can you believe that GREY was our fashion in those days? It makes ya think...

Day 6, week 7
1 This morning, by sheer coincidence, I bumped into brother Arzhar. He's joined squad Dharkos, the possessed, and is having one hell of a time scaring the ***** out of the enemies they face. And if a creature like Arzhar comes running towards you, you'll either wet yourself with fear or fall to the ground laughing. Either way, Arzhar will have the advantage. Also, he's been gifted more goodies from the gods, including the arm of a praying mantis, the backside of an elephant and some monkey's ears. He introduced me to his squad, basically a bunch of crazy daemons using dead marine bodies as vehicles to move about in the material universe. Charming.
2 Felt like doing something evil (it's perfectly natural for a Chaos marine), so brother Xathras and I teleported from ship to ship, telling all the other legions how our genius of a primarch had corrupted their primarches. You should have seen the look on the Iron Warriors warsmith when we told him that it was Horus, not the Emperor, who had been giving the Iron Warriors all those hopeless missions in the days before the heresy. It was priceless! However, our fun was cut short when the Word Bearers proudly announced that they had turned to Chaos before Horus did. But then we went to the Night Lords and reminded them that their primarch was killed by a puny female imperial assassin. Finally, we dropped by an Alpha Legion ship. Annoyingly enough, we couldn't find any flaws to make fun of, but shouting "Alpharius was a fool!" (even without anything to back it) conjured up the reaction we were looking for. Perhaps we hit a nerve...
3 Later in the evening, just before we were about to retreat to our quarters for the night, came the devastating news. Lord Astralax came to our squad and delivered us the message. Squad Sargoth is in danger of being disbanded! According to Astralax, there have been so many complaints against our squad that his majesty Abaddon feels he has no choice but to get rid of us. Fortunately, Astralax managed to convince Abaddon to give us one last chance, which we'll really have to take, since there was no shortage of reaons why we are the legion's major liability. Firstly, there was our tendency to party wildly, not take our religion seriously, slaughter other squads in blood-hockey matches, not listen to orders being given, oversleep in the morning, download nude pics of N'Kari and other Slaaneshis on the ship's main computer, all those things. And then there was the battle in the mess, our terrible bike-skills, our squad's general disrespect to anyone except sarge, and last but not least the Dreadnought incident, which we are sure to be executed for if they ever find out who was responsible for it. Oh, and many members of other legions had complained about the little bit of fun we had earlier today, when we had run around taunting them.

Day 7, week 7
1 Today, we were visited by a group of die-hard Nurgloids. Their Champion had newly been given the legs of a fly. Imagine trying to walk about on those thin little legs when you're eight feet tall and wearing power-armour... Well, at least he can hang from the ceiling, and I guess it could be worse. One time back in camp I heard a story of a Slaaneshi Champion who was given a most unusual gift by his patron god. All his body-parts became erogenous. Whether this was meant to be advantageous or not, we will never know...
2 Later, we all teleported aboard the supply-ship which was passing through the fleet en route to the Eye. The ship was carrying all kinds of junk. Before we departed from it, I had got hold of a collection of Waystones, a shrunken ork-head, two kegs of some kind of drink, and Angron's autograph signed in blood (probably a fake, since I doubt Angron really spells his name with a smiley at the end:). Furiax found a fake "Forgebreaker"-hammer, a pint of old combat-drugs, a humourous parody of the Codex Astartes, and a crappy old weapon with "Mjalnar" engraved into it's rusty blade. We also got our hands on an old map, quite fortunate, since we couldn't get hold of any toilet paper! And who's looking for the location of a so-called "Black Library", anyway?
3 Later in the evening, our ship was almost hit by a two-tailed comet! We watched it zoom past our window and impact on a nearby planet. We were originally scheduled to virus-bomb that planet for fun, but Lord Astralax assumed that the comet had probably already caused some serious destruction. And when a comet impacts on a planet, it's gonna destroy a little more than just a single town. Trust me.

Day 1, week 8
1 Today, we woke up to find that the Tzeentchian cultists aboard the ship had been quite busy during the night. Driven by their need for constant change, they had been re-furnished every room, re-painted many of the walls, and done an impressive cleaning-job: All the filth and snot and slime which used to lie around was gone! Unable to do much, the unimpressed Nurgloids settled for "Okay, as long as it stays this way forever." After all, they couldn't just CHANGE everything back to how it used to be, cause Nurgle hates change! So narrow-minded, those gods...
2 After quite a dramatic start to the day (We still can't find where the Tzeentchians have put our backpacks!), everything was ready for the annual Daemon Festival! With the combined effort of several Sorcerers, a small warp-gate was opened right inside the hangar of our ship, and daemons poured fouth from the depths of the Realm of Chaos. All kinds of games and activities were organised by a Daemon Prince, and we all had a hell of a time. Brother Furiax and I competed in a game of "Squash the Nurgling", where the aim of the game is to squeeze the biggest amount of pus and slime out of a Nurgling. Even though Furiax's nurgling was twice as bloated as mine, I easily won thanks to my tentacle-arm, which I wrapped round the little sucker and squeezed until every drop of slime was in the measuring-bucket. (Afterwards, I made a hat out of the empty Nurgling, which I gave to Furiax.) Later, we went to watch Sarge try a round of "Jugger-riding", which is as simple as it sounds. It's a rodeo-style game, except in this case your goal isn't simply to stay on the creature's back, but also to stay alive. Anyway, Sarge lasted for ten seconds, which was the new record, and so his life was spared. I really wanted to try out my skills at "Disc-surfing", but one had to be a member of the Cult of Tzeentch in order to participate. So instead I went to arm-wrestle a Horror, followed by a trip over to the Fleshound-racing, where I won ten quid on Hound number 8. Then we watched an intense duel between Sarge and a Bloodletter. Sarge was just about to have his head chopped off when the Bloodletter was suddenly needed for a large Daemon-battle in the Realm of Chaos, and had to leave at once. Finally, I went and had a go at the always-popular game "Spank the Daemonette". The fun ended when the warp-gate closed (those damned Sorcerers, can't even hold a warp gate open for a day without dying of mind-boiling!) and all the daemons returned to the warp.

Day 2, week 8
2 As always on the day after the Daemon Festival, the annual Chaos-awards were dished out. The first prize for "Most entertaining individual" went to Khornate Lord Xenofexius, for his stunning skill and feriocity with his one-handed great-axe. He was quoted saying "I like to make an entrance, also into the fray!" and also "Blood for the Blood God!" Second prize went to Hasmodion, Sorcerer Lord of Tzeentch, for his spectacular pre-battle pyrotechics-performances. Third place was awarded to the Slaaneshi Daemonette who used her belly-dancing/butt-shaking performance to spellbind an entire Imperial Guard regiment, before a force of Iron Hands landed on the planet. They weren't quite as impressed. Although the daemonette was banished back to the warp, rumours say she can return to the mortal realm whenever, wherever...
Other awards were:
Most entertaining legion: Emperor's Children (War, drugs and musical entertainment together in one)
Most boring legion: Iron Warriors (Trenches and ranged warfare, anyone?)
Least read book: "Whistle while you work", a documentary on the psychological effects of long-term trench-digging, by Warsmith Potassius.
Most entertaining battle: Death Guard vs Space Wolves on Vindobona III. The Plague marines carried rabies...
Second most entertaining battle: Night Lords vs Iron Hands on Kretius V. The Night Lords triggered an electromagnetic pulse, which rendered every cybernetic limb on the battlefield useless. Night Lords causalties 0%, Iron Hands casualties 100%.
Most sought-after item (for the 10000th year in a row, apparently): The other Talon of Horus
Biggest TV-event: Servitor-paralympics on Mars
Most "FUBAR" individual: Brother Arzhar of squad Dharkos (Yay, I know a celebrity!)
Most frequently used last words: "I die for the dark gods!", "I return to the Eye!", "Avenge me!," and of course "I promise it won't happen again, Abaddon!"

Day 3, week 8
3 Heard from some marines from the 1st company that Abaddon does combat-drugs. Some role model... He'll probably end up dead in a bath-tub like they all do...
4 Our old guv, Estragor, has been to the Realm of Chaos and seen his own death! This is usually a great honour and advantage for any Chaos Lord, but not when he witnesses his own demise is at the hand of a lucky gretchin sniper, something which *****ed him off a tad. So, apart from keeping clear of all greenskin activity, Estragor is now charging suicidally into battle all the time, with nothing to fear as long as there are no orkoids present.
5 Later, our squad gathered to dicuss why the warp we aren't seeing any action. We joined the Black Crusade expecting to get some fighting and bloodletting done, but so far our only real mission was that hopeless bike-attack ages ago. Soon we decided that we're going to go out and find ourselves a mission of our own, since none of the superiors seem to bother about assigning any tasks to us. But only one squad isn't gonna win much by itself, so before we do anything drastic we're gonna try to see whether any other squads or individuals are willing to join us.
6 The rest of the day we all spread out and searched throughout the fleet for squads willing to join us, while Sarge stayed in our quarters, trying to figure out a mission. I talked to brother Arzhar for a while, and soon I managed to convince him to come with us. I told him and his possessed friends that I would give them further notice when we've found out more.
Late in the evening, we all gathered together to share information. Apart from me having "recruited" squad Dharkos (the possessed), it turned out that several other squads or members of squads were willing to join us. The entire squad Rhazior and squad Zerus had no hesitation in teaming up with us. Sarge had spoken with a Champion of Khorne, Mhorkorus, who was also easily lead by the promise of more blood and skulls. He and the remnants of squad his squad are also with us. Brother Furiax had established understandings with a small group of Raptors who were the only Raptors not allowed to join the 1st Company, for unknown reasons. And last but not least, the warsmith of the Iron Warriors 11th Grand Company has suprisingly enough agreed to lend us some of his precious warriors. It didn't take much talking before he did, in fact, he almost INSISTED that his warriors should join us for this mission. We're expecting them to bring along some heavy weapons. The warsmith also offered to get hold of some ships for us to use.
Finally, Sarge told us the plan. The day after tomorrow, we'll rally our allies, board the ships provided by the warsmith, and head for the Ulixus system, where we shall attack a small asteroid-base containing some "information useful to the imperium but of no interest to us", as Sarge put it. Finally some action!!

Day 4, week 8
1 Today, sarge informed us that the warsmith has already gotten hold of some ships for us. They are Black Legion ships, and the warsmith has registered their use in Sarge's name, so he's got responsibility for them. Very reassuring. But also, sarge has been promoted to lieutenant, not because he has excelled in the service of Chaos, but because he's been around for ages. We'll still call him Sarge, though.
2 Our crusade is falling apart! Yesterday, an entire squad of the 3rd Company died from something called Black Legionnaire's Disease. And a few days ago, a squad of over-fanatical Word Bearers performed a ritual mass-suicide to honour the dark gods. The day before that, half a squad of Iron Warriors and hundreds of servitors died of exhaustion during the digging of a particularly long trench (their commander had grand plans of creating a battle-line spanning an entire planet.) And I've still not mentioned the force of Emperor's Children who got stuck in the warp without having packed any drugs, and all died of abstinence. Well, all except for one of them who happened to be a necrophiliac, and who had the time of his life. And of course, the number of Plague Marines is constantly decreasing, since they have an uncanny ability to drown in their own slime and pus when sleeping.
3 Tomorrow, we go into action for the first time in ages. Everything is ready for our departure. The ships are waiting in the hangar-bay, the other squads are standing by, the Iron Warriors are ready, everything is set.

21-11-2009, 20:37
Day 5, week 8

Warsmith Hasmodius studied the many radars, screens and small lights on the control-panel infront of him. But more importantly, his ears were keenly listening for a crucial message which should be arriving through the speaker any moment. My men can be trusted, he tried to convince himself, as he turned to face the two hideous servitors standing behind him, their eyes expressionless, their cybernetic limbs motionless. The intense sound of their mechanic lungs breathing was the only sign that the two figures were alive at all. Hasmodius looked at one of them, and with a deep booming voice he gave a command.
"Make sure my shuttle is ready. Have my veterans board their transport ship."
With series of clicks and beeps from within it's chest and head, the servitor turned around robotically and left the room, his every footstep creating a sharp clank against the hard floor, as he wobbled through the door and down the corridor.

Brother-sergeant Zerus broke the silence in the small, dark room.
"Why hasn't our warp-jump commenced yet?"
Unanswered by his black armoured comrades who sat all around, the eight foot superhuman warrior tried to get up, but the seatbelts held him firmly in his place. Frustrated and annoyed, he switched on the comm-link in his helmet. "Captain, this is Squad Zerus. What's keeping us from entering warpspace? And tell me again why we're stuck in these seats, will you?"
There was a pause. Zerus sat silently awaiting an answer, but there was no reply. Only seconds had passed before he lost his patience, and spoke into the comm-link once more.
"I repeat, this is Squad Zerus. What are we waiting for? Let's get some action, shall we?"
No sooner had Zerus finished his senctence before the door to the room opened vertically, revealing two power-armoured silhoutettes standing just outside. The two Chaos Space Marines strode in through the door, their silver armour reflecting the light from the corridor outside. Both marines held flamers.
"If you insist." said one of them coldly, before they both opened fire with their weapons.

Several minutes had passed before Warsmith Hasmodius received the message he was waiting for.
"Warsmith Hasmodius, Squad Zerus and squad Mhorkorus have been taken care of. My men are dealing with squads Rhazior and Dharkos as we speak. We're ready to open fire at the "Immeasurable Rage" at your signal, my lord."
A pleasuring wave of relief rushed through the Warsmith's tense body. He had put his trust in lieutenant Kragh, and the he had not failed to deliver. Barely controlling his fiendish excitement, Hasmodius held down a button on the control-panel, and spoke.
"Excellent, lieutenant Kragh. But what of Sargoth and his squad?"
"I will deal with them personally, my lord." came the answer from the speaker, and the Chaos Lord eagerly replied once more.
"Outstanding, lieutenant. I knew I could rely on you and your men. I'll see to it personally that you will be rewarded for you efforts. Hold your fire for a few more minutes. I will be among you shortly. Hasmodius out."
With this, he turned to face the servitor by the door. "Is my shuttle ready?"
With a monotone and soulless voice, the servitor answered.
"Yes, warsmith. Shuttle standing by for departure. Transports loaded and standing by for departure. Assault-boats armed and standing by for departure."
Before exiting the room, Hasmodius reached for his pistol, and aimed at the control panel. One blast made sure that no records of the previous conversation would ever be heard by anyone, at least not until it was too late. Another, more whimsical shot put an end to the servitor's miserable existence. Laughing cruelly, the Iron Warrior left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Lieutenant Kragh walked up to the massive door and peered through the screen, seeing the Black Legion marines stuck in their seats inside. There sat their sergeant, Sargoth, in the seat right inside the door. Kragh switched on the small mircophone by the door, and spoke to the marines inside through a speaker in the top corner of the room.
"This is lieutenant Kragh of the Iron Warriors. You've probably understood by now that things aren't going exactly according to plan. That's because warsmith Hasmodius has other plans, plans which you will not be alive to witness." Kragh smiled to himself at the thought of what was to come.
"But I can reveal to you what is going to happen shortly after your demise. In only a few minutes, every ship in our possession will open fire on the ship "Everlasting Fury" and of course your own "Immeasurable Rage".
Kragh paused for a while to let the news sink in amongst the trapped Black Legionaries. Looking through the small window, he saw the dark-armoured remain quite still. Had they heard him? Kragh continued:
"I wonder how Lord Astralax and more importantly Lord Abaddon will react when their trusted servants Sargoth, Mhorkorus, Rhazior, and Zerus suddenly open fire on their own fleet?"
Looking at the screen, Kragh noticed that the marines inside still seemed strangely calm. Not even one was trying to break free from his seat. Have the usually so hateful sons of Horus chosen simply to accept such a fate? Fighting his urge to open the door and find out, the Iron Warrior veteran spoke again through the microphone.
"It was in fact YOU who triggered this event. Had it not been for your foolish men, Sargoth, then we would never have learnt of how Horus used our primarch Perturabo to fight his worst battles for him, throwing his honourable warriors into the jaws of death whenever he had the opportunity. For this, you, Horus's own sons, will pay!" The Iron Warrior spoke with a hate-filled voice, grinding his teeth together as he thought of those dark days of the distant path, the days before the Iron Warriors legion had finally broken free from the rule of the false emperor.
"Today starts our vengeance against Abaddon and his Black Legion! And when this news reaches Perturabo, sitting atop his iron throne in the towers of Medrengard, no Son of Horus will escape our wrath! And you can do nothing to prevent it!"
Kragh laughed through the microphone as he loaded his bolt pistol. Just before opening the door, he heard the sound which he had been waiting for. The sound of the ship's cannons opening fire. And he knew the black marines heard it also. Sargoth's fate was now sealed. The Black Legion fleet knew nothing of Hasmodius's activities, and lieutenant Sargoth was responsible for every shot being fired. The Iron Warrior pushed the door-button. He loaded his pistol and took a step forward.
"And now, Sargoth, you will be the first to feel our wrath."
Kragh hadn't noticed the two empty seats inside.

Warsmith Hasmodius watched the constant hail of laser-blasts impact on the unshielded hull of the "Immeasurable Rage." Not prepared for such an unsuspected assault, the gigantic Black Legion ship was defenceless against the relentless fire. Explosions blossomed all over the colossal behemoth of a spaceship, as a radio-message arrived on the bridge of the ship where Hasmodius stood.
"Lieutenant Sargoth, do you read me? This is Lord Commander Astralax of the "Immeasurable Rage". Cease your fire immediatly!"
A broad and evil smile covered the Iron Warrior warsmith's face as he listened to the frustrated voice of the Black Legion lord. If only he knew what was really going on.
"Repeat: Lieutentant Sargoth, do you read me? Cease your fire immediatly, or you will be fired upon!"
Looking across the short distance in space, Hasmodius saw several squadrons of Swiftdeath fighters exiting the hangar-bay of the Immeasurable, to defend their crippled starship.
"Their fighters have been lauched. Make sure the the anti-fighter turrets are fully manned and operational, and get our shields up." At the warsmith's command, the crewmen and servitors on the bridge hastily rushed from one control panel to another.
"And cease fire at the "Everlasting Fury", and instead concentrate all fire on the "Immeasurable". I want that ship destroyed before we enter the warp!"
Seconds later, the radio-link sounded once more. This time, the voice was a hate-fuelled roar.
"This is Lord Commander Xenofexius of the "Everlasting Fury"! You have opened fire on my personal ship, and such an action will not go unpunished! Prepare to face the wrath of Khorne!"
Xenofexius? What could he possibly do, wondered Hasmodius. From intercepting several transmissions, Hasmodius knew that the Khornate lord's ship held no fighters and had virtually no operational turrets. Hoping that he had not overseen any flaws in his plan, the Iron Warrior looked anxiously across the control-panel, checking the radar for signs of any unwelcome visitors.

With a loud bang, Lieutenant Kragh was slammed into the wall with such force that his left shoulderplate almost splintered. He fell to the floor, but although his helmeted head was knocked hard against the solid metal surface, the Iron Warrior tried desperately to reach his bolt pistol which he had dropped to the floor. But he reacted far too slow. The next second, a huge and heavy armoured boot landed heavily on his stomach, making the Chaos Marine loose his breath. The boot thumped down again and again, and before Kragh had time to roll over, a sword was mercilessly stabbed into his torso from above. The blade found it's way between two armour-plates, while a slimy tentacle slithered around the Iron Warrior's throat like a serpent, strangling him.
"Get to the bridge and cease that fire imediatly!" shouted Lieutenant Sargoth with a strong, dark voice as he was cut loose from his seat by brother Fermicus. "Ghaurion, Furiax, leave him!" At their leader's command, the bloodthirsty and enraged Chaos marines halted their efforts, Ghaurion's tentacle arm loosening it's grip, Furiax's sword left buried in the Iron Warrior's bloody chest.
Sargoth looked at the wounded marine wreathing on the floor, too weak to pull the deeply-stabbed sword from his torso. He soon stopped moving. Sargoth spat at the dying figure before exiting the room behind his comrades. Before he set off down the corridor, Sargoth gave another order: "Brother Fermicus and brother Xathras, attempt to locate squads Rhazior and Zerus! Rendezvous-point in the hangar-bay after we've taken care of the Iron Warriors."

Hasmodius spoke into the radio, giving orders to his men aboard the other ships.
"Prepare to enter warpspace as soon as the Immeasurable has been destroyed. And be on the lookout for..."
He was suddenly interrupted by lieutenant Appolonus's loud voice coming through the radio, accompanied by the sound of gunshots and screaming in the background.
"Warsmith, Lord Xenofexius and several squads of World Eaters have boarded our ship!! They've disabled our warp-drives, and might be attempting to..."
A mighty boom was the last sound to be heard from the radio, silencing Appolonus before he had completed his last sentence. And before Hasmodius could reply, the floor beneath him shook as the Black Legion Swiftdeath-squadrons opened fire on his ship. Three fighters roared past just outside the bridge, firing a salvo of shots which made the entire ship shake once more.
As Hasmodius staggered across the floor looking for something to hold on to, a weak and wounded-sounding voice sounded in his helmet comm-link.
"My Lord, a squad of ...of Black Legionaires have ... escaped and are rampaging through the ship... They.. they caught us off g-guard, and have ... released... ..."
For the first time for centuries, the veteran Chaos Space Marine lord felt mortal fear. Now there were no mine-fields or trench-lines between him and the enemy, no crippling artillery fire, no devastating Predators or Land Raiders. But desperately trying to retain his calmness, he spoke through his comm-link again.
"All men on the alert! Black Legionaires have escaped their cells! All marines to their posts!"
Then Hasmodius switched off his comm-link and turned to the bridge-crew.
"Close the blast-doors throughout the ship, and activate the internal corridor-turrets. Make sure no man reaches the bridge alive."
The ship shook again, pounded by fire from Black Legion fighters and starships alike, and soon the shields would not be able to deflect the incoming fire any more. Looking over at the near-destroyed Immeasurable Rage, large pieces of debris floating about in space around it, Warsmith Hasmodius made up his mind.
"Initiate the jump to warp-space, and notify the other ships of our departure. Set the course for the Medrengard system. We cannot afford to stay here any longer."

As the thick blast doors to the bridge closed with a hissing sound, but just as the Iron Warrior commander finally felt that the situation was under control, a cluster of unidentified ships suddenly appeared on the radar. And looking out into space in the direction the radar had pointed out, Hasmodius saw that a group of gleaming white ships had appeared in the distance. Imperial ships. They couldn't have timed their arrival better, thought Hasmodius angrily. Firstly, destroying the Immeasurable Rage had taken much longer time than he had predicted, and now this.

Then suddenly there was a deafening bang followed by the screeching sound of metal being torn, and the startled Warsmith turned to see a large hole in the thick blast doors. Now standing inside the room was the most hideous of creatures, a terrible mutated beast twice the size of a man, tentacles and claws sprouting from every part of it's body. Hasmodius couldn't even make out it's face, let alone produce his trusted bolter, before the hell-spawned thing charged at him. It's numerous long limbs batted aside the Iron Warrior's arms which he had haplessly raised to protect himself. The weight of the creature smashed Hasmodius to the floor, and a gigantic crab's claw closed around his neck. The doomed warsmith screamed with pain as he felt his body crushed by the weight of the beast, and his legs and torso being pierced by long, razor-sharp scythes. Then the strong claw around his neck snapped shut. His severed head rolled across the floor, and stopped at the feet of a black armoured Chaos marine who also had entered the room.
"In the name of Horus, cease that fire immediatly!!" shouted lieutenant Sargoth loudly, pointing his boltgun at the frightened crewmen and servitors standing by the control-panels. They were quick to react, hastily pushing buttons, pulling levers and adjusting switches. As soon as the sound of the ship's fire had come to an end, Sargoth pulled the trigger of his bolter, his merciless fire cutting down every single crewman and servitor on the bridge.
Brothers Ghaurion and Furiax entered the room through the hole in the blast doors. Sargoth acknowledged their prescence, before walking over to the control panel. The entire ship shook, and the marines barely managed to stay on their feet. His eyes panning the control-panel, Sargoth spoke to his marines.
"I have to contact Lord Astralax and explain the situation. The Iron Warriors have tried to destroy Black Legion ships, and framing our squad for doing it."
He turned and looked with disgust at the foul Chaos Spawn, lying on top of the dead warsmith's body, gnawing a severed arm. Blood was everywhere.
"Take Arzhar and go to the hangar bay, where squads Zerus and Rhazior should be waiting. Board the transports which have warp-drives and enter warpspace. Astralax may not be convinced that Warsmith Hasmodius framed us, so we'll take no chances. Staying here might get us all killed."
Ghaurion spoke.
"But lieutenant, what of yourself?"
Sargoth stood silent for a moment, then answered.
"I will stay to pay the price for our failure. If it is the will of the gods, then we shall meet again. Go now, while you still have the chance."
With this, the marines coldly obeyed their leader's orders and left the room, dragging the hideous monster with them through the hole. As the marines made their way to the hangar-bay of the ship, several squadrons of Space Marine fighters closed in on the Black Legion fleet.

"Divine Servant, this is Captain Lyonis of Gauntlet Squadron. A number of fleeing traitor transport-ships are initiating their warp-drives. We're moving to intercept."
The space marine calmly twisted his flight-stick to avoid a large piece of debris floating through space. With the speed of lightning, his squadron of ATTACK CRAFT sped through space towards the transports, their cannons opening fire as soon as they came within range. The few answering turrets mounted on the transports were quickly blasted out of action, and the defenceless ships could do nothing as they were singled out and destroyed one by one by the ruthless and efficient White Consuls.
"Gauntlet leader, the last transport is avoiding the Emperor's wrath. Make sure it does not escape, Captain."
Captain Lyonis looked at his flight-radar, and watched the last blinking red spot disappear from the screen. Too late. Lyonis had been trusted to inflict the Emperor's vengeance upon each one of the traitors, but had failed to deliver. Now only the divine Emperor could forgive him.

....(Much later)...

"Attention unidentified Chaos transport, this is the battle-cruiser Rotblade of the Death Guard. I command you to respond, in the name of Nurgle!"
Ghaurion dragged himself to his feet, and walked slowly over to the communication-systems. Finally someone had received his distress-calls. This was his last and only chance. For how long his transport had drifted through space, he did not know. Months, years, decades perhaps. He had no idea how long it had been since brother Furiax and Arzhar the Chaos Spawn had died. Since then, he had been all alone. All the servitors and crewmen had been killed during the first days, the Chaos Marines having fed on their warm flesh since there was no other food available.
Gharion was no navigator or fleet officer. The Chaos Marine had barely managed to stay alive aboard his transport, let alone guide it through the sea of stars. Looking over at the large grey battle-cruiser which had newly entered the system, Ghaurion felt his supernatural body struggle to stay on it's feet as he switched on the comm-link.
"Calling Rotblade. This is Brother Ghaurion .. of the ... Black Legion. My..."
Ghaurion's vision darknened. He heard his own voice fade, and suddenly felt extremely weak and weary. For so long his body had tried to stay alive, for so long had the Black Legionnaire clung to life as it slowly slipped through his fingers. Now his time had come, and Ghaurion felt it. He felt the very Immaterum surge into him, through him, pulling his damned soul from it's mortal body and into an eternal black depth. Twisted faces appeared before his eyes, screaming and gibbering voices echoed inside his head. Daemons of the warp. They were his masters now. Serving Chaos is a gamble that every mortal is destined to lose, how had he not realised this? But amongst the low mumbling, loud, insane laughter and nightmarish screeches, Ghaurion heard another voice. A different voice, coming from the mortal realm, from the communications radio. And although it seemed distant, he heard every word.
"Ghaurion...? Doom-drinker, is that you?"

Hi again. Another load of laughter, found on the net when I was a bit bored on Friday.

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:

"We're outta ammo?"


Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"

"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"

"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"


"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."

"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"

"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"

"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"

"Fix bayonets!"

"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"

"We missed our shooting phase?"

"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside.

"Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"
Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!""


"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"

"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"

"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"

"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates...""Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"

"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"

"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a
club, and it still...uh oh."

"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

"What do you mean that the sisters of battle have taken a vow of chasity?"

Comanding officer: How did you guys find basic training? Hard? Unlucky, i had a blast flicking spitballs at Colonal J. Tightass during our survival Techneques lessons!

Theres a wraithlord on the board...

Sir, the necrons are here, they have a monolith, and we only have 30 lascannons.

Welcome recruit, we you be sharing bunks with Private R. Sole

Comrade: Aww look, a cute doggy.
You: That aint no doggy, thats a hormagaunt!

So whats with these Torches? What do you mean there guns?!

Radio of Colonal:
Careful of the mine feild, the Co-ords are *Crackly Radio interuption*

"Why is my gun just a cardboard mock up?"

"I cant get in that chimera, its already on fire!"

"What do you mean take cover behind the bodies of the 423rd? We're the 423rd?"

"So what does this artillery locator beacon do?"

"When our moto says "Nobody walks away" Does it refer to them or us?"

"How can 9 minutes be an intensive training course?"

"You want me to put on this flak jacket? But theres a hole in it, and the hole is stained with blood!"

"When you say that the 422nd brought us fresh supplies of food, did you mean the 422nd were our fresh supply of food?"


"Holy poo! these really are flashlights!"

"Hey, we have the same Inititive as the Salamanders, we can beat 'em!"

"Flashlight..Warmer..Cigarette lighter...Stun...Hey!..Where's the kill setting on this Lasgun??"

"Why are they giving out Oven Mits with those Plasma guns?.."

"Join the army they say, see the many worlds they say, I'd rather be working in the kitchen than earning my pay shining lights at Khorne Berserkers.."

"Why can't we fire before the artillery?..We are the Elites damn'it, we are the glory boys, the ones who get the spiffy targeters.."

"Hey..Isn't that OUR Leman Russ?..Then why does it have that funny star on the front?"

-"Forget THIS! *sound of las-pistol hitting the ground* Come on guys! FOR KHORN!"
Or better... *Sound of a liqour bottle being opened* "For Slannesh!"
Or maybe even... Sound of projectile vomiting "FOR NURGLE!"

Aha! Get that spotlight over on them, if our flashlights can kill, then it must be a template weapon!!!

"What does 'victory' mean?"

"Stop shining that thing at me!"

"Why's the plasma gun on..there aren't any ene-"

"So,you say your from the eye huh...nice powerfist,whats that growing on your neck?"

"Theres good news and bad news,the good news is we're going to war,the bad news is,we're the only ones going and we don't get any more supplies"

"Hey look! The Eldar are using girls! *much laughter* "HEY stop screaming in my ear!"

Plaque on a Lasgun: "Warning, can trigger epilepsy"

'Warning: Do not look down barrel of Lasgun, may cause eye damage'

"Sweet, that one Terminator only has a scythe. It says something, Man...something. Eh, he's headed this way, he'll be an easy kill."

"Dude, check out that one guy. His whole head is bald except for that really long top knot on top. He's a poser I bet."

"Hey, the Commisar said it was only going to be a bug hunt. How big can they get?"

"Dude, all we have to do is hold out till they transmit the codes to viral bomb the enemy!"

"Hey, I've been reassigned to Catachan? Anyone know where that is or what it's like?"

"Cool, I've been reassigned to fight with Fleet Leviathan. I've always wanted to see how the navy fights."

"Why's the forest moving?"

"Dear mom, it's very boring here. All I do is guard an archeaological team on this dead moon. Neat ruins but there's nothing to do, hold on a minute, somebody is yellin for me...."

"We're surrounded on all sides. This simplifies our problem. CHARGE!"

Space Marine Captain: Well the Chaos forces are massing for an offesive. and frankly we just dont have the numbers or the psykers!
Inquisiter: Well, I'd like to help yah but, there just aren't enough grey nights to go around.
Space Marine: Well, there is one thing we can do.
Inquisitor: Oh Yah!
Both look at an imperial guardsmen playing cards with his buddies
Space Marine: Well, we shall have to initiate Operation Human Shield!

"Alright men, were goin ta war... I wont lie to yah, I'll be hidin with mah heavy weapons teams and the tanks... but i did get you these; pre written "Don't Worry I'm going to war letters," flash lights, under powered laser rifle, Diapers, and me and the commissars took the liberty of impregnating each of your wives an girlfriends so we could leave quicker."

"Abbaddon is coming this way, but don't worry, the commissar and the colonel both said not to worry as the might of the Emperor stood with us and they would pick up some extra donuts at the shop when they get back."

"Well our orders are in, we are to participate in Operation: Let them Tire Out Butchering the Guardsmen."

"Note to Jimmy R. Fielklestien: Quit praying to me, I dont care if you make it home to see your family. Personaly I enjoy watching you guys get annihilated. No, I will not be there to help you in the moment of truth. If you want help, talk to abbadon, he's much nicer than you'd think. Screw You; The God-Emperor of Humanity Bob Smith."

"The meaning of life is, your born, you join the guard, you die with 4000 other useless dweebs who couldm't make the adeptus astartes."

"What do ya mean we all have to start in reserve?"

"Did you say cityfight with khorne/nids/BAs/SW/DE/Orks...."

"Make an armour save?"

"Nightfight and no searchlights modeled?"

"Kroot can screen those crisis suits with rail guns?"

"Your unit has 2 flamers in it?"

"Take and hold?"

"What do you mean the comissar is falling back?"

"Auspex? What are the chances he has lictors..."

"Ok, we're supposed to advance under cover of the tanks.....wait, what do you mean? The tanks can't fire if they move? And they're supposed to be covering US?"

Commissar: "Welcome to your new warzone....you can rest when you've taken those trenches over there." (Commissar points at a dim line of brown about 20 miles away) "We start here. Good luck, and I'll see you when you get back."

"They're only Tau....we can shoot better than they can!"

"Ah, yes. Hive battles are FUN....."

"Whadda ya mean, those Orks have a basilisk? Isn't that one of OUR tanks? Oh, it is.....so why are they using it?"

"I've been assigned to the 13th Legion? Hey, they've got a great reputation.....Wait, isn't that a PENAL Legion?"

Commissar: "Here, take this backpack over to that trench."
Guardsman: "Why, what's it going to do?"
Commissar: "Its a tactical nuclear weapon.....very small yeild."
Guardsman: "Ok, how's it work?"
Commissar: "You pull this string, and run. You'll have about five seconds."
Guardsman: "Five seconds. And how am I supposed to get away?"
Commissar: "You're not!"

"Ten hut, men i have two comments. One I am being promoted so i will nolonger command you past today in two hours. Two your being shipped out to The Eye in one hour and forty five minutes"

"hmm tyranids seem weak we dont even need our guns grab your nives boys!"

(from sergeant to captain, through comm-link)
"Sir, the Grey Knights have just run past us screaming. Awaiting orders."

(From Chimera Driver)
"Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

"Cmon guys, that big thing over there with claws is NOTHING, we can take him!!"

"were in a hellhound? sounds cool..."

*sees a Wraithlord for the first time and grabs combat knife* "You think you're tough!?"

Nije mi se dalo traziti po sajtu u slucaju zelje za nastavkom citanja

21-11-2009, 20:43
Wow, od kud to uzimate, s nekog foruma ili...?

21-11-2009, 20:45
Ima previše čak i za kopiranje, zato samo ovo:
http://forums.relicnews.com/archive/ind ... 28080.html (http://forums.relicnews.com/archive/index.php/t-28080.html)
I ima nekih fora koje su već postane, ali ima i nekih epski moćnih stvari tipa dnevnik jednog CSM-a :pray:

21-11-2009, 21:27
Ah, preskočio sam valjda post. Tnx!

22-11-2009, 01:18

22-11-2009, 01:19
So true :)

23-11-2009, 16:36
o.O :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

23-11-2009, 16:36
Isss kakav Terminator :pray:

23-11-2009, 21:54
Lame totalno. :(

The Fury
24-11-2009, 17:49


24-11-2009, 17:51
:rotfl: :pray:

26-11-2009, 20:23
How many space marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 100, one to screw it in and 99 to praise the Emperor.

Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, their lasguns work fine.

Q: How many Wraithlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if you use THREE, we will all claim it is beardy.

Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

Q: How many Tau does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw them in. Their helmets are equipped with infra-red, heat and motion scanners along with camera linked to their drones which means they have to do no work at all themselves.

A Pretorian commander, who has only recently been transferred to a outpost on a other planet gets a tour through the camp by a corperal. At the end of the tour the comander notices that a grox is tied to the barracks of the men. "Why do you chaps have a grox tied to the barracks?" He asked. "Well." The corperal said. "When the men are lonely and need some attention they use the grox to get to their needs." It didn't bother the commander just as long as it was good for the morale. But after several months the commander began to feel the urges. "Bring in the grox!" He commanded. The corperal braught the grox in and the commander grabbed a chair and did some things with the grox that almost made the corperal throw up. After the commander was done he asked the corperal how the men do it. The corperal replied with: "Well sir, we moslty use the grox to go to the nearby town to visit the girls there."
Q: How many Squats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, wait. GW doesn't support them any more.

Q: How many Forgeworld light bulbs does it take to light a room?
A: Just one, but it is a deluxe halogen bulb at 250 watts and costs $87.

18-03-2010, 12:50

Devil Dog
20-03-2010, 14:13
Speaking of funny
I kissed a spawn, and i liked it :pray:

HAhahah kako je ovo dobro

19-04-2010, 23:05
SPACE FUCKING HULK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/527363)

19-04-2010, 23:30
Brutalno. :))))))

Arbiter of Change
19-04-2010, 23:55
"I'm feeling amazingly expendable." :)
Iako neki možda neće shvatiti oko čega je bila frka u misiji ako nisu igrali Space Hulk.

22-04-2010, 13:07
heh, dva dana kasnim al ajde :D

06-05-2010, 21:40


12-06-2010, 10:36


12-06-2010, 18:33
http://img40.imagefra.me/img/img40/6/6/12/sickpete/f_7jamrr3rm_b178e75.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)
http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/6/6/12/sickpete/f_39lm5okxqlkm_0f09222.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)
http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/6/6/12/sickpete/f_2qvletkv1dcm_871c933.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)
http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/6/6/12/sickpete/f_1k7ociltpu9m_5461368.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)
http://img40.imagefra.me/img/img40/6/6/12/sickpete/f_is9qlvglykkm_4cd55f5.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)
http://img40.imagefra.me/img/img40/6/6/12/sickpete/f_i8cgvkcor95m_10a6919.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)
http://img40.imagefra.me/img/img40/6/6/12/sickpete/f_nkyay8sjo35m_8227aaa.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)
http://img40.imagefra.me/img/img40/6/6/12/sickpete/f_131gf4j7vkym_a93cf49.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

23-06-2010, 13:44



01-08-2010, 17:44
http://img37.imagefra.me/img/img37/8/8/1/sickpete/f_jvh6knti3lym_393dd08.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img02.imagefra.me/img/img02/8/8/1/sickpete/f_n6si95d7ip6m_179ffdd.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/8/8/1/sickpete/f_tfhktt2ul91m_0e22c3e.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/8/8/1/sickpete/f_wxuap0cksmqm_45285ad.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/8/8/1/sickpete/f_16f7ko6xiyxm_4a474e4.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/8/8/1/sickpete/f_11cxtb9q74qm_e838a53.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

01-08-2010, 17:47
You cannot hump George Lucas, pogotovo ne za Emperora...i zašto, o zašto je ovo u Warhammeru?

01-08-2010, 18:01
Kako mislis zasto je ovo u warhammeru?

The Fury
01-08-2010, 20:16
Netko je pomiješao lončiće, Sister :D

02-08-2010, 07:21
Ono stavljam ovdje jer 85% foruma ne kuzi DOW fore XD..a ova sala sa Land Raiderom nemre skuzit nitko tko ne zna da su Salamanderi crnci

02-08-2010, 08:20
http://img37.imagefra.me/img/img37/8/8/2/sickpete/f_12c33ivd2m_7724ec8.png (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img37.imagefra.me/img/img37/8/8/2/sickpete/f_mu6d8ew32jtm_589491b.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img37.imagefra.me/img/img37/8/8/2/sickpete/f_57oe8c5wejmm_2e58269.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img02.imagefra.me/img/img02/8/8/2/sickpete/f_2iyc9uep4m_288c82b.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/8/8/2/sickpete/f_fcbpsdcwqcim_e4785a5.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

22-08-2010, 21:18
You infidels..nitko da posta..im ashamed =(

http://img02.imagefra.me/img/img02/7/8/22/sickpete/f_233w2oc16vym_cbf1f9f.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img02.imagefra.me/img/img02/7/8/22/sickpete/f_1fnrofusqilm_1a04f2c.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img02.imagefra.me/img/img02/7/8/22/sickpete/f_23abr3ialjxm_efc3e39.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img02.imagefra.me/img/img02/7/8/22/sickpete/f_17adgx0rcs4m_b23af41.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img37.imagefra.me/img/img37/7/8/22/sickpete/f_xbm_dfd3f9f.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img37.imagefra.me/img/img37/7/8/22/sickpete/f_1e9wu6djyfim_f1f970c.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/7/8/22/sickpete/f_1eqfko1ch5vm_2a4a8a3.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/7/8/22/sickpete/f_ylptc3uxhtpm_63311d3.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img40.imagefra.me/img/img40/7/8/22/sickpete/f_ylptc3uxhtsm_dbbb008.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img40.imagefra.me/img/img40/7/8/22/sickpete/f_ylptc3uxhp5m_0eea70a.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img37.imagefra.me/img/img37/7/8/22/sickpete/f_1or1qual8v3m_6e8924b.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

http://img38.imagefra.me/img/img38/7/8/22/sickpete/f_h1d3xa2l4nwm_6ca0f7e.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

17-09-2010, 07:15
Kkako cu ban pobrati..jedino zalim sto mi je cetvrti post bio fail jer su tekstovi vec bili postani XD









17-09-2010, 11:58


17-09-2010, 12:37

Bogovski :rotfl: :pray:

17-09-2010, 13:06




http://img40.imagefra.me/img/img40/7/9/17/sickpete/f_e11np0ltm_cf66ee3.jpg (http://imagefra.me/)

21-09-2010, 22:46

Slut patrol :D

23-09-2010, 19:32
Here I go again
















Hope you like :P

23-09-2010, 19:37
Slanes :pray: :rotfl:

Devil Dog
23-09-2010, 19:38
Ma najbolji je ovaj s Psykerom prank :rotfl:

23-09-2010, 19:54
Posto me nece biti vjerojatno neko vrijeme idem staviti sve pa da ima slika ovdje


23-09-2010, 20:25
Rage marinci i Orksi. :pray:

The Fury
23-09-2010, 22:28
Zakon slike, najviše sam se strgo na spess mareen. :D

23-09-2010, 22:33
Ja vise nemam slika :( morat cu u nabavku kad dobijem net u Dubrovniku

Arbiter of Change
24-09-2010, 00:09
Odvalio sam se na ovaj "sucks to be you guys". :)

Inače, da dodam jednu.



24-09-2010, 06:20




05-10-2010, 22:08

26-10-2010, 19:21





26-10-2010, 19:31
Super mario commisar,pre epic :eyebrows: .

26-10-2010, 19:33
Mala ti je slika =( daj povecaj

Sad prevod :D

26-10-2010, 19:54
Ruski dugo nisam govorio/citao ,ali otrpilike se moze protumaciti kao:Dok neki igraju gardu,neki su u gardi.(to je ruski pesadinac s njihovim pancirom.) Najbukvalniji prevod je : dok se neki igraju garde,neki sluze u gardi.

07-11-2010, 20:04

07-11-2010, 20:05
Explain yourself boy,are you afraid of glory XDDDDD :pray:

07-11-2010, 20:09

Ovo je prva epizoda tog serijala. :D

07-11-2010, 20:23

:pray: :pray: :pray:


07-11-2010, 20:27
:pray: :pray: :pray:
Kako ovo ja nisam primjetio do sad

07-11-2010, 20:31


daj ja cu umrijeti XD

07-11-2010, 20:33
40k Rejects, toliko neopisivo awesome. :pray: :pray:



- "Enough with the dog jokes already!"
- "It's in my nature to be saucy."


08-11-2010, 08:45
o mater vam vašu :pray: :pray:

08-11-2010, 15:02
Do jaja :D

15-11-2010, 16:05
http://images.dakkadakka.com/gallery/2008/11/29/7779_md-Chaos%20Space%20Marines,%20Cute,%20Humor,%20Pink,% 20Slaanesh.jpg
:( :?

15-11-2010, 16:22
And you make jokes about Eldar huh :eyebrows: ?

The Fury
16-11-2010, 21:36

:pray: :pray: :pray:

28-11-2010, 22:59


01-12-2010, 19:14

01-12-2010, 19:21
None purer :pray:

01-12-2010, 22:39
Time to get






07-12-2010, 17:24
MekDonalds :pray:

Evo jedne preuranjene malo al je fora,

07-12-2010, 18:41
Evo jedne najbolje rangirane s cool mini or not-a


10-12-2010, 05:57
Pff neznate vi nista..ovo je najbolja minijatura ikad ofarbana :D



I sta ce se dogoditi sa Crucianom XD


10-12-2010, 08:20


Also, stealth rula :rotfl:

11-12-2010, 09:36
Još malo Engri Marinaca

The Fury
15-12-2010, 20:10


15-12-2010, 20:25

The Fury
15-12-2010, 22:05
Bekaz wer SPESS MEHRENS !!!

16-12-2010, 12:08
Chapter your honour !

20-12-2010, 03:13
Ono upravo me uhvatila nostalgija kad sam u osnovnoj skoli po prvi put igrao dow1 :D jel ima itko
tko se ne voli sjetiti tog trenutka kad smo po prvi put odigrali wh40 na racunalu :D?



Sindri :(....najbolji voice..EVAH


20-12-2010, 05:03
Daaaa, kako se to igralo kad je izašlo. Prvo sam mislio da neće bit niš posebno, ali kad sam zaigrao nisam se mogao odlijepiti od igre skroz do danas :)

20-12-2010, 05:38
Jos se sjecam kad sam bio klinac,warcraft i njegov lore mi je bio sve i onda nakon dow1 totalna izmjena :D odma sam se bacio na istrazivanje :D.Ono dobro sto nisam stalno bio u nevoljama sa starcima jer sam bjezo u igraonu samo da odigram jos jednu partiju protiv kompa sa frendom :D

EDIT: Mislim da znam sta cu raditi dok cekam predavanja *turns dow1 campaign* 8)

20-12-2010, 17:50
Meni je to odlična strategija, ali evo čekam da bacim u smeće ovu kramu od kompa.

The Fury
23-12-2010, 22:47




Uživajte :wink:

23-12-2010, 22:48
Hardcore newfagottry

The Fury
23-12-2010, 22:50

Ta mi je među najbrutalnijim slikama koje sam vidio sa SM :pray:

23-12-2010, 22:51
Hardcore newfagottry

23-12-2010, 23:07
Fury :D print screanaj pa stavi na image :D

27-12-2010, 15:53




07-01-2011, 13:43
moram vas pitat; GDJE nađete sve te slike??? 4chan il...???

07-01-2011, 13:50
moram vas pitat; GDJE nađete sve te slike??? 4chanSil...???

Nedo Bog..ja ih trazim po forumima razno raznim za ostale neznam

19-01-2011, 16:01
Engri marinci rulaju

19-01-2011, 17:10
Haha, doooobar :)

20-01-2011, 11:44

Ovo je nesto najbolje, kolika istina. :pray: :pray: :pray: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

23-01-2011, 23:25
:rotfl: http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com ... ondoms.jpg (http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/6/61/Emprahcondoms.jpg)

27-01-2011, 06:23






02-02-2011, 13:17
ORKtimus Prime
pure awesomesauce

The Boz
02-02-2011, 14:22
HOLY $%€@!

13-02-2011, 01:35

A ono igram Retribution i divim se orkovima :D

07-03-2011, 20:48


07-03-2011, 20:51
:pray: :pray: :pray:

07-03-2011, 21:31
:pray: :pray: :pray:

07-03-2011, 22:13
Treci put da to stavljate :(

08-03-2011, 12:03
kad je awsum :P

08-03-2011, 12:30
Catachan Devils : Get to the Valkyre (get to the choppa)
Guardsmen: Take this its dangerous out there

Sergeant Marrick: Men have been talking that some guardsmen went into that Teleportarus and never came back.
Lord General: Many guardsmen duties end in same manner Sergeant.

Al vi izlizujete commisara :(...bit ce te pogubljeni.

08-03-2011, 12:56

Reminds me:

15-03-2011, 22:39

27-03-2011, 02:28

Sly Marbo once beat Yarrick & his power claw in an arm wrestling competition, to make it fair he used only his right pinky. (after breaking it first)

Sly Marbo's tears can revive the Emperor. Too bad he's never cried.

Sly Marbo sleeps with a nightlight, not because he's scared of the Night Lords, but because the Night Lords are scared of Marbo.

Most races fear the Nightbringer, just as he fears Sly Marbo.

Sly Marbo wounds plasma rifles on a roll of 0+

If you ask an STC for a design for the ultimate weapon, it prints out a picture of Sly Marbo.

Sly Marbo can't be one of the missing primarchs, because he made Alpharous admit Sly is his daddy.

Sly Marbo doesn't move through the jungle the jungle just gets out of his way.

Sly Marbo wasn't named after Rambo.. Rambo was named after Marbo.

Sly Marbo the Sly makes Kharn the Betrayer look like a bed-wetter.

Sly Marbo's mere presence causes wraithlords and wraithguard to instanteously develop circulatory systems and vital organs specifically so that he can then poison them with his knife.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Sly Marbo, dies by demo charge to the face.

The Eye of Terror is what happens when Sly Marbo glares. Once.

Sly Marbo makes the Vortex Missile look like a bottle rocket.

Abbadon doesn't launch Black Crusades to destroy the Imperium, he's just making sure Sly Marbo isn't around.

The Eldar once dicked around with Sly Marbo. They've never been able to get their helmets back in shape.

Sly Marbo once knocked up an angry marine. The child was Khorne.

The warp exists so the Chaos Gods have somewhere to hide from Sly Marbo.

Sly Marbo is the Hive Mind.

Sly Marbo has two speeds. Walk and Exterminatus

When you take Sly Marbo in your list, he is your army, the rest of the list are just wounds.

Sly Marbo and Boss Snikrot walk into a bar. The Bar explodes, unable to contain THAT much awesome

Sly isn't the missing Primarch. He is the Entire Missing Legion!

Contrary to popular belief, it is Sly Marbo, not the Catachan Devil, that is the most deadly animal on Catachan.

Sly Marbo doesn't shower. He only takes blood baths.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Sly Marbo would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

The Leman Russ tank was originaly called the Marbo tank until Sly Marbo decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Guard, for fear of Marbo, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Sly Marbo.

Sly Marbo destroyed the periodic table, becasue he only recognizes the element of suprise.

Sly Marbo wiped out the old ones.

Even Slannesh is scared about what Sly Marbo does in the Bedroom.

Sly Marbo once challenged Calgar in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Marbo won by 5.

Exterminatus is Marbo's breath, bottled.

Sly Marbo is the Shadow in the Warp; The tyranids are trying to get away.

Sly Marbo doesn't fire his weapon, the ammo inside his gun is scared fethless and fire themselves.

Sly Marbo can cut a land raider with a tank, and get a 7 on the damage table

Sly Marbo can do sweeping advance on enemy units...... during the movement phase....and anywhere on the table

Knight commander Pask can drive a tank up a waterfall. Sly can just run up it.

Sly Marbo's stare yeilds a explosive force equal to a 50 megaton bomb

Sly Marbo plays with 6th editon rules

Sly Marbo will always preform penertrating hits from the rear

The only reason Sly Marbo isn't a primarch is because it would be a demotion.

Kreig was never purged by the Death Korps. Marbo just ate too many beans.

Warp-storms are what happens when Chuck Norris, Sly Marbo and Mr. T come within ten feet of each other.

Sly Marbo IS the cadian gate, any Chaos Marine with brains knows not to go there.

The Horus Heresy ended when Sly Marbo was born, no one in their right minds would fight that.....

At one point, Slaanesh made a sexual remark to Sly Marbo, He/She now hides in shame in the warp, after a certain gunshot to a certain area.....

Sly Marbo once fought a unit of Howling Banshees in close combat, 5 seconds later, 10 pregnant banshees left

Sly once beat a Warboss to death using only Commisaar Yarrick's original right arm as a melee weapon.

Sly Marbo is in fact one of the erased Primarchs. The only difference is he was never given his own Legion simply because he IS his own legion.

Little known fact: The Emperor was actually created from Sly Marbo's geneseed.

Sly Marbo is also the 5th Chaos God.

The Siege of Terra failed for the Imperium because Sly Marbo was on vacation for the week.

Sly Marbo is actually the Star Child.

Sly Marbo once fought Nurgle and changed him into a flower.

Sly Marbo once fought Khorne and had to give him a glass of water since Khorne had blood kicked out of his vocabulary.

Sly Marbo once taught Lion El'Jonson a few hiding tricks, thats why he wasn't found yet.

When Sly Marbo fails his leadership test, the entire enemy army flees.

The necrons are waking up because Sly Marbo told them to get off their butts and get to work.

Sly Marbo challenged Tzeentch to a game of checkers, chess, and monopoly all stacked together. Marbo won by $371, Canadian.

Sly Marbo took a wound once, just to see what it was like.

Sly Marbo does not have a toughness characteristic, because he never gets hit.

Sly Marbo has sneaked into the black library. Twice.

Khorne used to have a gold pedestal just for Marbo's skull. He has since melted it down for something more useful.

Any terrain containing Sly Marbo is dangerous terrain.

Sly Marbo once played an objective mission just to see what it was like to not meet every victory condition on his own.

Sly Marbo bought a third edition rulebook just to play meat grinder as the attacker.

Sly Marbo doesn't need an Eldar farseer as an ally; his enemies are already doomed

Sly Marbo was originally armed with a power weapon, but he dropped it while assaulting a space marine command squad just so his enemies could feel pain

Sly Marbo still attacks the front armor value in assault, for pity's sake.

Kharn collects skulls for Khorne. Khorne collects skulls for Sly Marbo.

The Tau are fighting for the Greater Good. The Greater Good is fighting for Sly Marbo.

Baneblades are named after Sly Marbo's wang.

The Dark Age of Technology happened because Sly Marbo wanted some peace and quiet.

The Great Crusade happened because the Emperor wanted to meet Sly Marbo, but didn't know where he was.

The Daemon Sword Drach'nyen contains not a the bound essence of a howling warp entity, but the bound essence of a warp entity howling because it's scared of meeting sly marbo.

An eye is the symbol of Horus because Sly Marbo only left him 1.

To be a man in the 41st millenium is to be one amongst untold billions. Sly Marbo told billions more and they're no longer men.

The Astronomican is Sly Marbo's night-light.

Orks wear Gork and Mork pyjamas. Gork and Mork wear Sly Marbo pyjamas.

The Orks hunger for endless warfare. Sly Marbo hungers for endless Orks.

The Adeptus Mechanicus wanted to name Terminator Armor after Sly Marbo, then realised it just wasn't tough enough.

Sly Marbo isn't behind you. You're in Sly Marbo's way.

The Catachan Devil is the deadliest animal on Catachan, because Sly Marbo is off-planet.

Sly Marbo isn't in the Imperial Guard, the Imperial Guard is around Sly Marbo.

When Sly Marbo's in the warp, the Geller Field protects daemons from *him*.

There are no Death worlds, just worlds Sly Marbo doesn't like.

People say there are two lost legions, these are actually sly marbos right and left abs.

the emporer wasn't trained by Sly Marbo, he was trained by Sly Marbo's 15th Grandson who is only half as awesome.

Sly Marbo doesn't need to make Reserve Rolls, he can choose to come on automatically at any point during any turn!

Our whole universe is actually only Sly Marbo's giant WH2k game board

27-03-2011, 10:43

The Eldar once dicked around with Sly Marbo. They've never been able to get their helmets back in shape.

Sly Marbo has two speeds. Walk and Exterminatus

Sly Marbo challenged Tzeentch to a game of checkers, chess, and monopoly all stacked together. Marbo won by $371, Canadian.

Sly Marbo still attacks the front armor value in assault, for pity's sake.


17-04-2011, 21:53

Tko ima vremena, dosta fora fanfic :)

10-05-2011, 20:08


10-05-2011, 20:36
Nije fer, želim ovo!

10-05-2011, 20:42
Tko ne želi?
Dajem svoje prvo dijete za to.

10-05-2011, 20:49
Dobro onaj LR jeste impresivan, ali nije tabletop već je 5-6x veći...Nekronac s druge strane...zamisli čitavu armiju ovakvih likova...

10-05-2011, 20:50
Ček nešto fali pokretljivom LR veličine psa :D?

10-05-2011, 21:05
Ništa, apsolutno ništa...Samo što se ne može u standardnoj igri koristiti....sablasno zeleni nekronci, s druge strane, mogu.
Mada, dao bih svoj treći testis za LR

11-05-2011, 00:25
Ovakvog necrona samo u mokrim snovima možeš imat.

28-05-2011, 17:34




28-05-2011, 18:06
Ne mogu se prestat smijat na ovo. :rotfl: :rotfl:

01-06-2011, 12:07


06-06-2011, 16:47
Citam upravo o Angry Marines i umirem.


From the records of Governor Tamel of Pathos Secundus.
File #34476A: Captain Asshole
A boy was born in the year 895.M38, on Pathos Secundus. Little is recorded of his parentage. His father was a Guardsman, known only to be missing and presumed dead. His mother died in childbirth. The pregnancy had no complications, and so an autopsy was conducted. Wounds throughout the mother's uterus and all along the birth canal indicated extreme trauma. Video of the birth confirmed the medical examiner's suspicions: he had come out cuntpunching.

The child spent his youth in and out of various orphanages and foster homes. Several of his caretakers attempted to name him, but whenever anyone asked him his name, he responded only by punching them in the throat. He was regarded as mad and dangerous at the very least; many believed he harbored some mutation or the mark of Chaos. At the age of ten, however, he finally found a home. An Angry Marine Quartermaster had made planetfall to procure supplies, and the young boy happened to be in the area. The Marine shouted to him, "HEY, ASSHOLE, BRING ME THAT FUCKING HANDTRUCK IN THE CORNER."

When the youth approached the hardened battle-brother and kicked him squarely in the groinplate, breaking two of his toes without making a sound or shedding a tear, the Angry Marines had found a new recruit.

At the time Asshole was inducted, the Chapter Master of the Angry Marines had decreed that new recruits should become standard Codex scouts. The issue was put to a vote, and the chapter at large declared this decision to be "COMPLETELY FUCKING FAGGOTROCIOUS," however the decree stood for a time on the basis that the Chapter Master did it "JUST TO PISS YOU OFF, YOU WORTHLESS NIGGERS."

This did not prove advantageous to young Asshole. The one thing they could never teach him to do was aim, and he spent far longer than normal languishing in the 10th Company. Finally, in 176.M39, during the Scouring of Erhlinger Prime, he proved himself. After emptying an entire magazine into an Ork horde with no effect, Asshole abandoned his cover, howled madly into the sky, and broke his sniper rifle neatly in half across his knee. He charged the band, tearing limbs from any greenskin that stood in his way, until he was standing face-to-face with the Boss Mek. Asshole took the two halves of his ruined rifle and spitted the Ork from both ends of his digestive track, right through his flash kustom 'ardpantz. The rest of the mob turned tail and ran. For his heroism, Asshole was immediately inducted to the 5th Company and promoted to the rank of Sergeant. Shortly afterward, the Chapter Master judged that the newbies were pissed off enough, and reinstated the Angry Gangs.

Asshole rose quickly through the ranks, finally becoming Brother-Captain of the Battle Barge Killfuck Soulshitter in 722.M39. During his career, he developed a special hatred of Eldar, and would often be heard to claim that "THEY MAY AS WELL BE GODDAMN PRETTY MARINES FOR ALL THEIR FAIRYASSED PANTSHITTERY." In 756.M39, the Killfuck Soulshitter was called to push back an incursion on the Coluphid Sector by Eldar. The campaign was a terrifying success, and in its last moments, Captain Asshole confronted the Farseer Turiel and her daughter Sorith, one of the Seer Council, personally. Breaking Sorith and casting her blithely aside in one swift blow, the Captain approached the Farseer, shaking with rage. Before she could react, he slammed her to the ground, removed his groinplate, and raped her brutally. As he finished, he rose, readjusted his armor, and looked Sorith in the eyes, saying "I FUCKED YOUR MOM." He turned and left as the two witches stole into the Webway. A Marine in Asshole's retinue, puzzled, asked "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET THOSE DYKES GET AWAY, YOU STUPID CUNT?" In an astonishing display of restraint, Asshole said simply "THOSE SPACE QUEERS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN PLAN AHEAD, YOU DICKSUCK."

In 989.M39, Captain Asshole received a pizza with mushrooms instead of pineapple, and suffered an aneurysm while killing those responsible. He was entombed in one of the Chapter's Belligerent Engines. Thirty years later, the Chapter met the same Eldar again on the field of battle. The carnage played out much the same as before, leaving only Captain Asshole, Farseer Turiel, and Sorith. Once again Sorith was cast aside. Once again, Turiel was restrained. A terrible din was heard, and after some time, it could be seen that Captain Asshole's turgid member had punched right through the armor plating of the Dreadnought, and lodged itself just between the buttocks of the Farseer. He turned to Sorith and spoke his last words to her before slaughtering them both.

Thought for the Day: Hatred is the purest expression of love for the Emperor.
:pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray:

15-06-2011, 22:38
Malo cosplaya :D










16-06-2011, 20:47
An Imperial garrison containing both Space Marines and a Guard regiment had been under siege by Orks for days, and as a fighter bomma raid had destroyed the Imperial Guard mess hall, the remaining Guardsmen was allowed to dine in the Space Marine mess hall. In the food queue, a curious Guardsman (GM) attempts to start up a conversation with a Space Marine (SM).
GM: "So...you are one of those Space Marines, right?"
SM: "Correct."
GM: "Cool! You know, I've been thinking about joining a marine chapter myself and...”
SM: "You don't have what it takes."
GM: "Hey, that's just rude! You have no idea what I am capable of, I've actually killed no less that 13 xenos in my career, an...”
SM: "I've killed 14..."
GM: "That is not that impressive, I..."
SM: "...before breakfast."
GM: "...well... that's impressive. How did you join the marines?"
SM: "At the age of 12, I was drafted into the Imperial Guard to fight an army of chaos cultists. My squad was cut off from the rest of the regiment, and as we were out of ammo we were ordered to charge the enemy with only bayonets. I managed to kill 2 cultists, in spite of being shot several times while charging. Three days later, I was sent to the Ultramarine training facility on Ultramar along with 20 other recruits. I was the only one who managed to become a marine."
GM: "Wow, you are badass! What happened to the other 19? Did they wash out? Or did they get looser jobs like janitors or something?"
SM: "They died."
GM: "Ok...you have to be the most badass person I ever met! What are you? A sergeant? An officer?"
SM: "I'm the janitor."

Tek sad vidio ovo, lakonski odgovor :pray:

28-06-2011, 22:37
Captain Slaughter is back :D!



04-07-2011, 18:58


23-07-2011, 18:01
Grimdark. (http://1d4chan.org/wiki/BrightHammer40k_(1st_edition))
Emperor ima goatee. Dakle je awesome. :)

25-07-2011, 15:59
Children,dont paint like this

25-07-2011, 17:14
Moja prva minijatura (Crom) je bila loše ofarbana, očajno, štaviše...ali je za Golden Demon naspram ovog bila, probaću naći
Sickpetey stavi ovo u spoiler tag, bole me oči...

25-07-2011, 17:54
Ni moj prvi banshee nije bila ljepotica al ovo...isse XD kako je uspio tolko deformirati facu...i žao mi je banebladea :(.
Jednom sam vidio citavu armiju dark elfova skupa sa Morathi i svi su imale tako retardirane face...doslo mi je da placem.

25-07-2011, 18:01
Prvi ljevo na zadnjoj slici...Noćne ću more imati...BTW ništ od moje prve figure, photobucket mi ukinuo stari nalog....Ali bilo je loše...

25-07-2011, 18:02

28-07-2011, 14:17

:pray: :pray:

28-07-2011, 14:39
A stvarno su mi najomraženiji chapter...ne zbog fluffa, već zbog sveprisutnosti...dobro ima i Space Wolfsa, ali oni su jednostawno awesome, pa im se može oprostiti...

28-07-2011, 15:17
Molim...? Po ćemu je hrpa pijanih divljih furfagova awesome? O.o

28-07-2011, 15:22
Anyway strip je napravljen od strane lika koji igra Eldare :P pa je pod ultramarince mislio kao na sve marince.

The Fury
14-08-2011, 23:07

24-08-2011, 08:51

24-08-2011, 10:38
Oh crap *flee*

28-08-2011, 01:23
http://www.replikart.com/macevi/293-war ... gs-tm.html (http://www.replikart.com/macevi/293-warhammer-slayer-of-kings-tm.html)

28-08-2011, 01:37
Archaon, the most powerful Chaos Lord ever to walk the realms of the Warhammer world, wields an unstoppable sword like none other. Bound inside the blade is the Greater Daemon U'zhul, driven insane with rage after aeons imprisoned within the sword, which is known to legend as, The Slayer of KingsTM. Through an exclusive agreement with Games Workshop, we are proud to bring this amazing sword from the pages of fantasy to magnificent reality. This sword is truly forged for a lord. The unique flame scalloped blade is tempered high carbon steel, which has been expertly blackened to a deep onyx luster. The grip is covered in black leather, while the pommel, guard and center portion of the grip have accents of antiqued brass, giving the piece the appearance of a sword of a thousand years past. Includes attractive, themed display plaque and a certificate of authenticity. This functional sword is made by Windlass Steelcrafts. 47 1/2" overall. 36" blade. Wt. 4 lbs. 8 oz.

28-08-2011, 01:44

28-08-2011, 01:51
Ja jos mislim da bi trebali testirati funkcionalnost.

28-08-2011, 02:04
Na Eldarima?
EDIT: brkam igre i RL, nvm

28-08-2011, 02:10
Brkas ti i fantasy i sci fi

28-08-2011, 02:11
GRRMartin + SW i ST maraton = u pravu si. Nije mi dobro

28-08-2011, 08:31
Kak možeš voljet i jedno i drugo treće :(

28-08-2011, 10:52
Jer moze. Sad funnies il cu deletati sljedece postove.

30-08-2011, 15:11

Joj, comedy gold. Tih milion malih presmjesnih detalja.
Jest da le tldr al vrijedi procitati.

"Sir, this is not a Borg! This is an--"


31-08-2011, 13:26
the first daemon prince of Khorne

Fun Facts About Doombreed

Doombreed seems to be camera shy, or model shy for that matter, considering he's a prominent fluff character yet he's never given an official image or model by GW.

Not even Angron or An'ggrathScould out-angry Doombreed, and it's in their god damned name. Though he isn't angry at all times like those two are and is in fact typically quite calm (as is befitting for he; Genghis Khan), when he does get peeved, solar systems burn.
It has however been rumoured that the cumulative anger of the entire Angry Marines chapter is perhaps strong enough to challenge Doombreed's infinate rage, sadly though the Angry Marines do not have the raw power to challenge him in combat.

Doombreed is Genghis motherfucking Khan, who Khorne made into a Daemon Prince immediately after his death. You just don't kill 40 million people in the age of swords, horses, and arrows and escape Khorne's notice, you just don't.

DoombreedSchoked the Doomrider to death for being a Slaaneshi cocksucking faggot, and that's why we don't see him anymore.

Calling him a weeaboo is likely to end with you having an axe jabbed up your ass, because you don't confuse Mongolia (badass horsemen) with Japan (tentacle pr0nz.)

He hasSa glorious fu-man-chu, and it is on fire.

Don't trySrunning away from him, he's still very good with a composite longbow and arrow, and his arrows are the size of fucking redwood trees. And the bow and it's arrows and it's quiver are on fire!

He rides atop a winged, tailed, Juggernaut of Khorne one thousand feet long *not counting its thousand foot tail* and six hundred feet high with three horns, he has six of them and they all breathe plasma, spit melta gas, and are on fire. Only Khorne has more badass mounts.

He is sixShundred feet tall, and on fire; bitch.

His Axe, Bow, and WhipScontain the bound essences of a thousand greater daemons and daemon princes, while each arrow has a bound bloodthirster that will pop out upon impact and fuck up the shit of anything Doombreed doesn't like. And all of these weapons are on fire.

Rather thanSthe Greeco-Roman breastplate of most bloodthirsters, Doombreed wears Mongol Lamellar armor, but call him a Samurai and he will fuck up your shit, and it's onSfire.

Did we mention that pretty much everything he has is onSfire?

31-08-2011, 14:12
Neznam koja je prica bolja.

01-09-2011, 19:30
Idem ja Dubrovnikom kad vidim ovaj plakat



jbg shitty mobile camera is shitty

01-09-2011, 20:03
Ima da odes i da snimis.

01-09-2011, 20:09
Trebao bi biti neki metal bend. Sad ako budem mogo trecega biti u Dubrovniku (ako se rodjaci vrate) mozda cak i odem :p 20 kn nije vele.

The Fury
15-09-2011, 19:48


The Boz
07-10-2011, 13:31
Ovo mora biti tu:
Special thanks to sickpetey.

10-10-2011, 18:25

18-10-2011, 00:14

21-10-2011, 19:43

The Boz
21-10-2011, 19:44

26-12-2011, 11:25
Ultramarines never saw them coming

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs156.ash2/41121_1574452570475_1510395858_1489474_7506065_n.j pg

lanak je izasoa 27 Novembra u Grckoj i radi se o reporterki koja pise o 40k turniru koji se odrzao dole. Ovo je prevod sa Grckog na Engleski a posle mozete videti i sam vlanak na linku koji postavljam posle prevoda:

"War on a table

A plunge into the dark, bizarre and militaristic world of the game that combines modeling and strategy, and holds as "prisoners" thousands of players in Greece and all over the World.

"Blood for the Blood God, Skulls for the Skull Throne". This is the motto and war-cry of the servants of the God of Chaos, Khorne (The Antipope: she translates if phonetically to Greek as "Horn"...). If you think that this sentence was "strange" enough as a magazine's article opening line, wait and see what's to come. This started as a report for one of the most popular miniature tabletop games of the last 30 years and I still don't know how I ended up fighting against "Daemons of Chaos" in 40000 AD and hang out with creatures with names such as Necrons, Dark Eldar, Black Angels (not sure what army that is...)and much more like them...undead and badass.

(Caption under my picture): Dedication. Studying the rules needs time, building requires effort, the creation of a decent army...money- up to 500 euros for the starter "set". During the game all this is forgotten though.

(Caption under next picture): Precise calculations. Before any move the player must contemplate on it's consequences. "Somehow like chess..." like they told us, but much bloodier.

Dozens of horrible creatures, together with an Emperor-God (of the earthlings) and four Gods of Chaos, live in the blackest, obscurantist, religionist, militaristic, fundamentalist, authoritarian, racist, abominable and repulsive world ever conceived by the human mind. In fact, by the British mind, since the game was coined and released in England at the beginning of the eighties.

The game, that for the last 30 years has been played by millions of people all over the world, is called "Warhammer:40000 or "40K" for it's friends. With many of these friends (Greeks) we talked about the multifarious 40K and it's exceptional miniatures, modeling, hobby, required intelligence, strategic ability, men (that play), women (that don't) and daemons that eat souls (soul-eating is the pop corn of the future).

In the same future that, as the general motto of the game states, "There is no time for peace. Neither for forgiveness. There is only war. Endless War."

Little "toy soldiers" for men? And beyond...

As an intro into the world of this "joyful" game, we watched ,during a tournament, around forty males (between 18 and 39 years old), with tape measures and dice on hand, planning assaults against the military units that were placed on top of special dioramas (model battlefields with obstacles, buildings, trees etc.). 40K is a game of strategy (or tactics rather) and requires thought, a lot time studying the rules and a certain degree of intelligence of the mathematically skilled type. The toy soldier miniatures-designed with a lot of imagination and incredible details by the company of Games Workshop-have to be assembled and painted by the hobbyists-players. Painting the "armies" is a form of art on it's own accord, to which modelers dedicated hours or even days. Considering all this, when questioned "why do you play" everybody gave the same answer:" Because it's a hobby that gives me the opportunity to do miniature modeling, to think strategically and, mainly, get together with friends at least twice a week, for gaming, talking, painting...". That's great!

At this point it could be the end of this discussion, if there wasn't for the fluff to be considered, i.e. if there was no ideological-mythical environment of 40K. The world "fluff" ,that is the creation of tabletop or non tabletop role playing gamers and it has to do with everything else but the rule set of the game, is the key to open the...darkness of 40K. Because the fictions, facts and characteristics of the bloodthirsty and soul-hungering soldiers are so outrageous that the question "but, why do you want to play?" was coming back to our conversation almost automatically.

To think or not to think?

What does someone need furthermost in order to be able to play 40K? "Brains", most of them think, claiming at the same time that "nobody takes fluff seriously" but also..."I chose the game based on the fluff" or "real life is a different thing to the game" but also..."I have seen in the US the ideology of the army and the player matching to a dangerous degree. I've even seen a player with swastikas tattooed all over his body". So many contradictions they could win a Guinness world record.

Generally speaking, when having to choose the game, but also the army, fluff is always there to play a role. As a 38 old professor of biotechnology told us "I also chose an army based on the fluff - I play with dark eldar..."(he stops to think)"in the end they are psychic vampires..." (pausing and saying out very loud)... "I don't even care about my army's fluff!". Perhaps a mind with mathematical skills is necessary but it also seems necessary that the same mind needs the ability not to be able to...think!

The first thing we found out about the 40 participants of the tournament, is that most of them is what we would call "educated" (higher degree level) and working (you need a lot of money to be able to play 40K seriously for many years). Amongst them we found a manager of marketing in a multinational company, a university professor, a gold smith, a 23 year old business man, many civil engineers and many students (chemists, engineers, mathematicians).

Most of them started off as fans of science or heroic fiction, mythology, history and comic books. Many of them have read the low literary value novels based on the game's fluff, for which 30 year old Thanos said: "If I had a child, I wouldn't let him read these novels before he develops his character". We can summarize the profile of the average 40K player as follows: a rather "introvert", lonely guy that doesn't like to go out, doesn't like to watch the TV or football(!), but he likes listening to music (foreign, and mainly classic rock) and he prefers when going out to talk with friends in cafes or houses. Many of them claimed that they "believe in God", whom they defined as the "beginning" of everything or "the power" of the universe etc. but they don't like his "fan club". Couple of them claimed to be pronounced atheists.

Lastly, we found out that all of them are ready to talk about politics, expressing extreme ideas more or less with words that are somewhat muddled inside their heads. We only found one person who deals with the understanding of human relationships, while most of the other are ignorant even of the word "psychology".

Heil, Emperor?

A large percentage of their population compared with their average number (5 out of the 15 interviewees) had some racist and xenophobic ideas and had been involved with the study of Nazi texts, including "Mein Kampf" by Adolf Hitler. George, a mulatto (from a Greek father and a mother from impoverished Louisiana), one of the most intelligent and sincere kids we met, following the question if the game is "a bit" racist he replied: "It's very racist and in America (US) many gamers identify themselves with that racism. Moreover, Black Templars, that have the Iron Cross as a sign and their colours are black, white and red, are clearly Nazis"

"Have you noticed that a percentage of the players belong to the extreme right wing?" we asked 35 year old Takis, a middle school teacher who claims to be "left wing". "Yes, but I don't know why. Maybe they are fascinated by the epic, heroic or even the racist elements of 40K. Because there is a lot of racism in the game." The next question that came up naturally is if 40K makes you feel superior compared to other people :"Yes, it's a bit elitist. It requires a lot of thought so it makes you feel..."somehow". Somehow superior" said Markos laughing. One of the most extreme statements we heard was :"It's been proved throughout the history of Greece that we can only go forward with a fascist government" said John. "And I am going to be the one executing them", added his friend Fotis.

Playing with your soul?

I would also add, playing with your sword. But why would someone fight with a sword in the technologically super advanced 40000 AD? And why does it's system has to be so authoritarian and obscurantist? And why does the "trophy" have to be the most valuable thing humans have, i.e. their souls?

"Because 40K combines elements that fascinate men, like chivalry, heroism, power, ability, speed etc" said 38 year old widely educated Kostas with his well structured speech. "Probably because we want to look better in comparison. Maybe I would never go to real war, but in the game you can be an awesome hero or a general without having to pay the price in return. For it's system now, the wider the network of planets that human inhabit becomes, the more we will keep losing our humanity. In the minds of the creators of science fiction, there is always a strong central authority necessary, which through cutting down our freedoms and though fear can create a structure in order for that new world to function. In 40K there is a mixture of western imperialism and eastern fundamentalism."

And why does the future has to seem so bleak I wonder: "Because", as 39 year old Giannis is saying "this sells. This game has the best marketing." "Furthermore because reality sucks and progress is even worse" adds the younger Minas. "Everything in the fluff is derived from human history, to an excessive extend maybe, but historically".

Why aren't women playing the game, I ask them: "Now you are delving into a touchy subject", Fotis told me, who is married and has one child. "Women don't go for mentally committing stuff. In order to be able to commit in something so that you can disengage from the everyday life, you have to be a man." Fotis was the same person who told me when I asked him why the ideology of the game is crazy: "Are there any ideological obstacles in fantasy?".


In the interview we did with 23 year old Markos, who describes the game as a "struggle for the survival of the human race" and as the "absolute decline", after he told us that "Warhammer is not a comedy but a tragedy with the classical sense, in a dystopian future" he also express the optimistic thought that "Man has the awesome capacity to conquer everything, even himself." When I asked what does he do to ...conquer himself he answered :"I am reading thousands of books, I am writing down stories and poetry, I work, talk, travel and do thousands of different things. Why? Because I have an enormous stress that I will stay mediocre"

Link: http://cadia122.blogspot.com/2011/11/ba ... alism.html (http://cadia122.blogspot.com/2011/11/bad-journalism.html)

Znaci Black Templari su nacisti, mi smo cudaci jer ne gledamo tv i ne pratimo sport i mi smo svi rasisti i nacionalisti zato sto skupljmo 40k. Takodje volimo i da zrtvujemo jagnjad pred svaki turnir

26-12-2011, 13:15
The awful strikes again




I Merry Christmas


27-12-2011, 00:08
Baš su tardi

07-01-2012, 16:13
Cosmic Space Knights (Of Doom) (http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.php?showtopic=107725)
Jako stara tema koja mi je slučajno danas pala na pamet, pa sam je potražio, našao i ukazujem na chapter koji je bolji i od Angry Marinesa...

31-01-2012, 10:36
Chaos Gate Soundtrackovi. Must hear.




31-01-2012, 10:40
O, da. Chaos Gate ima epski soundtrack.

31-01-2012, 11:30
http://cenaf.deviantart.com/art/Khorne- ... 52847&qo=2 (http://cenaf.deviantart.com/art/Khorne-berzerker-surfing-internet-278293325?q=gallery%3Alaughter-and-battle%2F25552847&qo=2)

http://angryrhino.deviantart.com/art/WA ... unny&qo=12 (http://angryrhino.deviantart.com/art/WARHAMMER-NYAN-NYAN-239634623?q=boost%3Apopular%20warhammer%20funny&qo=12)



31-01-2012, 14:30
Chaos Gate Soundtrackovi. Must hear.

Meni je CG ost mnogo bolji od DoW. DoW je neka bezlicna orkestralna muzika dok CG ima tu gothic atmosferu WH40K Imperiuma.

31-01-2012, 14:46
Ako mislis na DoW soundtrackove oke al meni su DoW2 sountrackovi vrlo dobri.

11-02-2012, 23:20
http://images.dakkadakka.com/gallery/2009/4/27/29946_md-Custom%20Rhino,%20Freehand,%20Rhino,%20Space%20Mar ine%20Artwork,%20Space%20Marines.jpg

12-02-2012, 14:04
Kak mu se dalo bokte O_o

12-02-2012, 17:54
Koji je chapter u pitanju? Guido Marines?

28-02-2012, 16:11


06-03-2012, 14:12



Frost Commander
06-03-2012, 14:46
Dark crusade sam igrao samo da vidim sto ce likovi sljedece reci :)))

18-03-2012, 01:14


samo pocetak dobar,ostatak je govno :/



18-03-2012, 13:54

23-03-2012, 23:01

24-03-2012, 13:10
Best song evah!
Novi ringtone!

25-03-2012, 17:06

25-03-2012, 23:52
Ovo je najjakije


26-03-2012, 09:53
Jel se meni čini, ili su Blud Rehvens najmuzikalniji chapter....

The Fury
27-03-2012, 23:31
O da, odlično. WE WANT MOAR!

21-04-2012, 21:33
Čitam nekidan komentar na izgled Nemesis Dreadknighta
"Yo dawg, I heard you like power armor, so we've designed power armor for your power armor so you can go to war while you go to war!"

29-04-2012, 17:53
Nije smijesno nego cisto da stavim link
politicka mapa iz fantasy Warhammera. Nije cijela al
je dobra.

20-05-2012, 18:01


14-06-2012, 11:49
Da old orks (http://www.games-workshop.com/gws/wnt/blog.jsp?pid=2700084)
Treći set slika je bitan

14-08-2012, 17:58

03-09-2012, 23:43

04-12-2012, 12:13

11-02-2013, 23:24
Warhammer related
GW želi da treadmarkuje termin Space Marine (http://boingboing.net/2013/02/06/games-workshop-trademark-bully.html)

The Boz
11-02-2013, 23:34

12-02-2013, 00:15
Ne kuzim sta im je to trebalo...

12-02-2013, 00:18
Ne kuzim sta im je to trebalo...


12-02-2013, 09:30
GW gonna GW

12-02-2013, 09:56
Totalna debilana. Trebali bi se vise koncentrirati da vise sreded fakking finecast umjesto da rade takve pizdarije. Skoro sam popizdio kad sam
kupio fire dragone, pola njih imaju rupice na prstima, hvala Bogu koristim tamne boje za ruke pa se ne primjeti previse al nije u redu :(.

12-02-2013, 10:50
Jesi li probo s liquid green stuffom popraviti?

12-02-2013, 10:51
Ko da to imam trenutno pri ruci. Popravit cu kad nabavim, al ne bih ni trebao imati to da
rade finecast kako treba.

15-02-2013, 11:24

21-04-2013, 14:30

04-06-2013, 16:09
http://images.dakkadakka.com/gallery/2013/1/26/456902-Humor%2C%20Letters%20Of%20Blood%2C%20Refrigerator% 20Poetry%2C%20Satire%2C%20Warhammer%2040%2C000.jpg

10-06-2013, 08:14
Jel su vam nove necron letjelice ipak preskupe ?

Fear not postoji jeftiniji način!


10-06-2013, 08:28

25-08-2013, 10:20

10-09-2013, 22:32

12-09-2013, 12:44
8-bit mi je jos uvijek najbolji :/.

18-09-2013, 16:04

Za zadnje dane.

03-12-2013, 19:58


01-04-2014, 06:39




14-05-2014, 07:48
oshi- :D